« One Vest. Endless Possibilities. | Main | Well Ladies, I Guess We All Have to Carry Clutch Purses from Now On »
I'll Be Out of the Bathroom in a Second, Mom
Ever since our brief visit to the Future Planet of the Humanzees I have become increasingly convinced that we need to christen a new category of pattern art: Pattern Erotica It seems that some of our much beloved pattern artists and photographers have used their craft to express their...uh...longings. Sure it started off innocently enough....
OK, this is pretty standard lusting after teenagers, Kelly Kapowksi, I can't wait until Mary Kate and Ashley turn 18 kinda stuff. Short shorts and knee socks on girls who clearly like to have a good time. Nuff said.
And then we have these lovely halter gowns...
This has more of a "this one time when I was delivering pizzas, I got this call for a house over on St. Andrews. I rang the doorbell and these three girls answered. They didn't have enough cash for the pizza, so I told them we could work something out" kinda vibe. But I mean, really, when three girls prance around with an "EASY" sign over their heads, who can blame him?
And then there's this:
WHAM! BAM! BOOBIES!! Here we have the "Kitten" pattern. I'm not sure who their target market is, but I'm pretty sure my husband would buy this pattern and he couldn't knit if his baseball card collection depended on it.
From here, things get a little more serious...
It boggles my mind to attempt to fathom how many thousands of teenage boys locked themselves in the bathroom with this particular pattern design which they stole from their mothers' combination sewing machine bench/ pattern storage unit. But, really, after the parents hide all the Sears catalogs, what's a boy to do?
As with any art genre, Pattern Erotica will have its misfits...the misunderstood...the underappreciated:
You know...like the ones into riding crops and women who really like discipline but dislike soiling their hands.
And finally, we have this gem:
I have a vague suspicion that this is supposed to be sexy. There's a sunny blonde with long flowing hair. Her pants are tight, her legs are spread, her expression is intense. But, uh, what's with the starfish? Is she about to fling it at someone, Chinese star style? Is it her beloved (albeit dead) pet? Because God forbid me to question the love between a woman and a starfish.
So, for those of you who can't afford erotic materials or those of you who can't conceal such materials from your grandmother whom you are living with for a short time until you can "get back on your feet," now you know that there is a whole new suggestive world of pattern art awaiting you!
Posted by Kimberly on June 6, 2005 | Permalink
Comments
OMG I don't know how I found this site but I'm glad I did! You nearly made me spit out my soda! Haha!
Posted by: Stacie | Jun 6, 2005 7:47:13 PM
ROFL! I LOVE this blog. How you come up with this stuff is beyond me, but it is hilarious.
Posted by: Angela | Jun 6, 2005 10:11:53 PM
You girls r-a-w-k! I love the site! It's laugh-out-loud funny!! Keep 'em coming!
Posted by: Shan | Jun 7, 2005 12:31:39 AM
Ah, come on--dontcha know what the starfish is really for? I must go back to you with a link for a most incredible knitted household item--yes, you're on the right track. For all you gals who like to keep it clean and dust free--you can knit a cozy for your posy--no not pussy--that little smiling faced rubber thingy.
Posted by: Pam | Jun 7, 2005 8:45:24 AM
I love your snarkly blog. Keep it up!
Posted by: The Feminist Mafia | Jun 7, 2005 10:05:21 AM
I think Starfish girl is wearing the do-it-yourself "more is more" granny panties. And what's going on with the red stripe-ed lady in the riding crop picture? She has some serious front-butt going on. Ew.
Posted by: Bridget | Jun 7, 2005 1:35:24 PM
I like thinking about what must have been going through Starfish Girl's mind during the photoshoot. "I can't believe they're asking me to do this. I'm not getting paid nearly enough for this crap. And that thing smells bad..."
Posted by: David | Jun 7, 2005 2:56:02 PM
love your blog, great commentary and great fashion finds!
Posted by: kathreen | Jun 8, 2005 12:41:50 AM
this is absolutely hilarious! should you ever run out of patterns to ummm, alter, you let me know - i have LOADS!
i subscribed! can't wait until the next edition :)
Posted by: rebecca | Jun 8, 2005 12:51:25 PM
No RSS feed? How sad. :-(
Site is fun, though.
Posted by: Christy | Jun 8, 2005 7:01:05 PM
Whew, took me 30 minutes to stop laughing so now I can finally type...
And how appropriate is the position of the crop as it offends into the next model?
I'm with Christy on the feed. This is all too good, you spoil me.
Posted by: ieatcrayonz | Jun 9, 2005 1:14:55 PM
Is it my imagination, or is that Cheryl Ladd holding the starfish?
Posted by: neko | Jun 13, 2005 9:00:49 AM
and in a freaky bizarre twist on pattern erotica...kelly kapowski/tiffaniwhatsherface actually did some pattern modelling. i slaved away for hours making a pre-saved by the bell cheerleading uniform with her on the front. no joke. *someone* must have it. one of those *true* fans. or some pervy scary person, obviously.
Posted by: shimelle.~* | Jun 14, 2005 5:14:39 PM
1) the "sassy shrink top" is UGLY (but I'm sure you knew that)
2) I actually like the halter sweater patern
3) I showed this to one of my friends. He asked me if he could go with the craft store with me.
4) what is the lady modleing the halter sweater wearint on her head?
Posted by: kid | Jun 17, 2005 10:27:59 PM
I totally adore your site! I recommend it to everyone I know. I am always PROMISED a belly laugh every time!
Posted by: Lisa S | Jun 17, 2005 11:15:26 PM
It's a little known fact -- these patterns were the basis for Dr. Evil's Fembots! Perky, in a deadly kinda way.
Posted by: Terry | Jun 19, 2005 4:09:19 PM
Very Freudian - the fishing net (bondage), the barrel (well, you know what a cylinder represents), and her legs spread in such a sassy fashion. As for the starfish? I think she just pulled it out of her crotch. And she looks pretty pissed about it.
Posted by: Cindy | Jun 20, 2005 2:56:46 PM
I'm going to try and find the loose end (ahem) on the "Kitten" Sweater Vest and run like Forrest Gump....
Posted by: Ted | Jun 21, 2005 9:30:39 AM
hilarious hilarious!
I just sit and laugh out loud - I believe my grandmother made most of those clothes for me back in the seventies!
Keep up the fun work...
Posted by: pam | Jun 21, 2005 2:09:03 PM
What a riot! The sad/embarrassing thing is...I remember most of this stuff when it was new! ACCKKKK!!! Didn't see this on WGN-TV's Morning News when it aired, but found the link here from their website. You made me laugh out loud. Keep up the good work!
Posted by: Laura | Jun 23, 2005 1:17:46 AM
Love your site. Got a good laugh out of the 40's "maternity" dress which was a size 12 for a bust size of 30. Wow, have things changed; I think a 30" bust would be about a size 2 today!
Thanks
Posted by: Patty Quickert | Jun 23, 2005 4:24:57 PM
I think the gal with the riding crop is actually Bree from Desperate Housewives. Whaddya think?
Pam
Posted by: Pam | Jun 25, 2005 4:36:30 AM
How did the first picture get here?
Posted by: jfasoga | Jun 26, 2005 9:45:52 PM
the starfish?
either a) an emblem of the sea = women's private parts or b)chocolate starfish = a little farther back.
Posted by: noin | Sep 27, 2005 11:27:22 PM
i love those halter gowns and muuuust have that pattern! is it yours? willing to sell? i've searched the internet high and low with no luck. either way, i just stumbled upon your blog and bookmarked it :)
Posted by: christina | Apr 25, 2006 2:06:12 AM
Maybe the starfish is there because her boyfriend handed it to her thinking she'd do that silly steriotypical "Ewww! Gross!" act, and he'd be able to laugh at her, but she instead thought she was supposed to like it, and has carried it arround ever since. She probably doesn't know it's dead...
Posted by: May | Jun 9, 2006 10:53:27 PM
