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Daddy's Double Barrel Discipline

It seemed harsh, but Augustus knew that a leg full of lead would teach little Emily that it was wrong to go around mercilessly stretching the tongues of her pets.

If I Close My Eyes It Will Go Away. If I Close My Eyes It Will Go Away.

Remember those scenes in The Shining where the movie would go completely silent and a giant wave of blood would come cascading down into the elevator lobby?

Yeah. This is totally the crochet version of that.

Disturbing Lyrics Brought to You by Barnes & Barnes, Circa 1982

Kid heads kid heads

Roly poly kid heads

Kid heads kid heads

Eat them up

Yum

In the morning laughing happy kid heads

In the evening floating in the soup

Ask a kid head anything you want to

They won't answer they can't talk

I took a kid head out to see a movie

Didn't have to pay to get it in

They can't play baseball they don't wear sweaters

They're not good dancers they don't play drums

Roly poly kid heads are never seen

Drinking cappuccino in Italian restaurants

with Oriental women

Yeah.

The Butt That Binds

Oh sure, sometimes they got tired of each other and, WooooWhee, could they tell you some crazy dating stories.  I mean craaaaaazy.  But ever since they'd stitched themselves together, the Siamese twin pattern modeling market had been theirs for the taking.

One Of These Things Is Not Like The Others.

Recently, I was flipping through the pages of a "Knitwear For Infants" booklet and noticed something rather peculiar. While most of the children are certainly cute (though some are a bit large for babies, what were they feeding them back in the 60s?) there was one particular child that stood out from the others.

Let's take a look, shall we?

Cute.

Cute.

Cute.

Cute.

Cute.

Um.

Er.

Uh......exactly what is going on here?

Is it a.....

Victim of its own mother's overzealous crocheting habits?

Hideously disfigured Elephant Man baby?

Misfortunate child of extremist Ku Klux Klan members?   

Hmmm. It is quite a conundrum, isn't it? Still, one can't help but admire the handiwork that went into the detailed lacy edging. Nice, very nice.....

Adoption is the New Black

Look lady, I told you, I don't need to be adopted.  My parents are right over there at the King Tut Hut buying Cleopatra key chains and tiny souvenir spoons.  I'm sure you're a really nice lady and I appreciate the dress, even if it is a little on the whorish side.  But this hat...what is this?  A turban?  I told you, I'm from Chicago.  I'm Presbyterian.  Now let go of my hand and give me back my Princess Jasmine underpants.

Gracious, Child! Don’t Look Directly Into The Trunk.

Grandma, Grandma! Tell me a story!

Well...okay honey. Sit right down by your old grandma and I'll tell you a tale.

Now...let's see. Did I ever tell you about the Blizzard of '43?  It got so cold your Grandpa and I had to wear hats and mittens. Brrrrr! It all started when.....

What? Oh, you've heard that one before? Fifteen times already?  Okay then....how about a story from the Swinging Sixties?  Let's see....your mama was dating some boy who looked just like Jesus and your Grandpa and I were fit to be tied. Now, the two of them ran off to San Francisco where they.....eh? You've heard that one too?  Oh. Hang on dearie....Grandma's thinking.

I've got it!

Sweet girl, have I ever told you about the Early Eighties?  Oh child, it was a troubling time! The country was being run by a dang peanut farmer and everything was just going to hell in a handbasket. What's a handbasket?  Never mind that. Now! As I was saying, that Carter fellow was in the office and the disco dancing was on it's way out and our poor country was in a gloomy state! We needed some cheering up!  So, we turned to crochet.  That's right!  Crochet. We crocheted everything we could think of, all in the most garish colors we could find.  Oh yes....pillows, teddy bears, clowns, frogs, butterflies, fake crayons...nothing went untouched. 

What's that, honey?  Do I still have any of these things?  You want to see them?  Well, okay then precious, but don't say I didn't warn you. 

Grandma!  WOW!  You...made all of this?

Land sakes child, I made all of that crap and then some!  This here is a whole trunkful of ideas.

Grandma...I....I think my eyes are starting to hurt.

Hmm? Your poor old grandma is getting a bit of a headache just looking at all this, think I'll go rest for a spell.  What's that?  You don't feel so good either?  There's a burning sensation in your eyeballs? And your stomach feels queasy?  Mmm hmm.....that's what I was afraid of. Let's skedaddle out of here and I promise you'll never have to look at that old Crochet Trunk again.

Oh Grandma, you're THE BEST!

Hello, Danny. Come and Play With Us. Forever. And Ever. And Ever.

Ten bucks says this little kid has a boy named Tony that lives in his mouth.

You be here four hour. You translate everyting. YOU GO NOW.

Please to read above words on pattern as is the custom on this site of the web.  The English is not as good as one could desire, but described is the beauty of intimate caps for the skull.  Enjoy this post "the very latest winner."

Big Green Pepper Redux

Look who’s back on the bunny slope!

It’s your favorite ski-suited dope!

Just when you thought you’d had your fill!

It’s me - skiing impossibly uphill!

That’s O.K.  I haven’t a care!

I can even do it with one foot in the air!

My high-waisted warm-up suit is pretty hot!

And check out these mirrored sunglasses I got!

I think the stripes make me look tall and thin!

As if it ain’t enough to have this big ole grin!

Why do all the young women run away?

Do you think that this outfit looks too gaaaaaaaaay?

*Sung in tune to the Mighty Mouse theme.

Fate by Fanny Pack

John breaks it to Shelly that he's not just an attractive man who makes bold sweater choices and favors chamomile tea whom she met at the Single and Saved Sock Hop down at the Baptist Church.  He's actually a messenger from the future.  He was sent here from the year 2020 to save Earth from destruction by the aliens of Planet Panache.  This highly evolved and very fashionable species will be faced with a critical choice: to befriend Earth and share Planet Panache's cashmere resources and advanced comfortable stiletto technology or to kill all humans and take whatever Prada bags and Manolos they can salvage.  In the end, it will be the inability of human society to ever rid itself of the Fanny Pack that will sway the vote of the High Priestesses of Panache.  They decide that humans just aren't worthy.  And so, as destruction commences, John is sent back in a last ditch effort to prevent the invention of the dreaded Waist Wallet.  Shelly is shocked.  She feels betrayed, confused, frightened.  Still, she makes out with him anyway.

Mary Walsh Can Thank Us Later.

Oooooooh, what have we here?  A Butterick Sew And Go Caftan?  A Butterick Sew and Go Caftan for Mary Walsh?  Oh, what a lucky gal she is! Mary Walsh!

But wait!  There's a some scribbling there on the right, some kind of notation. "Toolong!" Huh. What in hell does "toolong" mean?   Better consult the dictionary.

La la la la.......flipping through our handy Oxford-English.....and there's...no such word as...."toolong." 

OH!  "Too-long!" The caftan is too long!  Now I've got it.

Hmmm. Yes, "too long" indeed.  It is an excellent idea to make helpful notes on your patterns though, something to serve as reminders in the future, something to keep you from making the same mistake twice.  We can think of dozens of helpful hints that we would add to such a pattern!  In addition to "Too Long" we would like to suggest:

Too Wide.

Too Ugly.

Too Voluminous.

Too Much of A Resemblance To A Shower Curtain I Used To Own.

Too Many Blank Stares From Your Children When They Come Home From School And Find You Wearing It.

Too Large To Wear Grocery Shopping Without The Save Rite Managers Accusing You Of Hiding Loaves of Bread In Your Outfit.

Too Many People Are Going To Be Reminded Of Mrs. Roper From "Three's Company."

She Has a Surprisingly Good Arm for a Seven Year Old

Sure, Billy loved his sister, but to be honest the whole "Molly is a monkey" routine was getting a little old.  Picking through his hair for grubs to snack on was one thing, and the WOOO WOOO AH AH AH noises did draw stares from the other kids, but it was the poop tossing that  was really starting to get to him.

You Should See His Ball Peen Hammer.

That afternoon Hank came over to help Jim work on this car. He thought Jim was overcompensating with the enormous wrench but he couldn't say anything, Jim was his best pal. They shared a pack of smokes and talked about old times. Hank wanted to tell him the truth, that wearing his wife's handsewn Vogue ensembles made him no less of a man but he knew Jim would never listen.

Together, they lifted the wrench and tightened lug-nuts well into the evening, their manhood securely intact.

Mary & Kimberly Save Tiny Dog's Life

Because we love our Threadbared readers so very much, we decided to answer a little reader mail:

Dear Threadbared,

I am a HUGE Star Wars fan.  I've spent years growing out my hair so that I can get the trademark buns, I insist on calling my husband Han Solo in bed, and I've been injured on a number of occasions testing out my homemade light sabers.  I even named my son Anakin.  I only have one problem.  I bought this cute little dog with the intention of using it as an Ewok in our role playing games.  Wickett's a sweet dog, but he just doesn't quite look like an Ewok.  My husband says that I should get over it, but I can't help thinking that there must be something I can do to make Wickett look more like this:

I know that you have access to some incredible Star Wars patterns .  Please help me.  I'm so upset about this.  All the gold bikinis in the world can't make me feel better.  If he's not transformed into an Ewok soon, I'm afraid that I'll just stop feeding him.

May the force be with you,
Eager for Ewok in Edinborough

Dear Eager,

Have no fear.  Here at Threadbared we have the perfect pattern for every occasion and this is no exception.  We need only to turn to our crafty Japanese friends for the answer to your Ewok emergency:

Now eat up, Wickett, while you still can.

Peace and Patterns,

Mary & Kimberly
THREADBARED.COM

Viva La Chunky!

The Webster’s Dictionary defines “chunky” as 1) short and thick or broad and 2) filled with chunks.

But! 

Apparently in the early 1980s, “Chunky” was so much more! It was a whole philosophy, a state of being, a way to live. Everybody! Embrace the CHUNKY!

Let’s take a look, shall we?

Exhibit A:  “CHUNKY SPIRIT!” 

Yay! CHUNKY SPIRIT!  Whooo-hooo!

Ready for more?  Of course you are!

But wait!  CHUNKY is not restricted to the antics of silly Americans. Not at all!  CHUNKY can be all worldly and sophisticated too!  Oh yes! 

Please allow me to introduce the CHUNKY Getaways series:

Okay, so she looks a little confused. And maybe a wee bit scared. And yeah, the hat is completely retarded.  But who cares!  She still has that certain spark of.....CHUNKY! 

Like this happy traveler:

And this guy too:

They are Citizens of the World, no?   

C'est CHUNKY!   

Not So Sunny Side Up

Ahhh...nothing warms my heart more than seeing a boy with freakishly elevated hair sporting a handmade sweater that memorializes the suicide of an anthropomorphized egg.

What's that?  You say he fell... like it was an accident?  Grow up.  Giant round body, pencil thin legs. Short pants with a matching coat and bowtie...not to mention the hat.  They force nursery ryhme characters to dress that way.  Let's also consider the fact that he had to walk around all day with a rotting pre-chicken inside his shell.  Trust me.  Humpty Jumptyed.

CELEBRITY SIMILARITY ALERT:  This poor destined to be beat up behind the monkey bars kid looks like Greg Proops of "Whose Line is it Anyway" fame, who incidentally refers to himself as Prooproach on his official site.

 

Hours of Entertainment.

Come along boys, it's time for beddy-byes! Yes, I know you're having "soooo much fun" but the string will be there when you get up in the morning. Tomorrow you can play with your string for many, many hours!

Timmy, we've all seen you use the string as an "invisible dog leash."  Hilarious.  That trick just never gets old, does it?  It's as humorous now as it was the first fifty times you did it.

Now. Everyone get their ass in bed this instant or it will be no string for A WHOLE WEEK. You remember the last time that happened, what a long week you all had. Okay, that's what I thought.