Threadbared

Pantyhose Craft Week Part V: The Dramatic Conclusion

WHAT IS UP WITH THE NAKED PANTYHOSE DOLLS?

And people, this is only a brief sampling of what’s available out there in terms of pantyhose nudes. Yes, we realize that using pantyhose as a medium naturally lends itself to flesh-toned projects but still…..ugh.

Could we at least make the dolls more attractive? Or maybe stitch up little pantyhose underwear for them…..

Wrap a pantyhose towel around their bare pantyhose bodies?

Cover up with little pantyhose robes?   

Last but not least, we have a life-sized pantyhose “companion doll.” And yes, that really is as sad as it sounds.

She’s fully clothed, thank god, but disturbing nonetheless. Even more frightening is the book’s description of her as “a good listener and a steady companion.”

Okaaaaaaay.

Hey, who are we to judge? The doll could have a great personality for all we know. And if not, well….at least she has an enormous set of knockers.

Pantyhose Craft Week: Part IV

Used pantyhose can also make great dolls. Especially if your children aren’t that particular. 

Who needs Cabbage Patch Kids when you can have…um…Pantyhose Face Kids?

Of course, not all dolls are for children. If you know what we mean…..

Some dolls are for adults.

Very disturbed adults.

Pantyhose Craft Week: Part III

There are dozens of projects combining pantyhose and mirrors…. usually with suggestions that these objects “make great gifts!”

For who, we ask?

Blind people who don’t need mirrors?

It was also proposed that you can personalize “portrait mirrors” for friends…. creating little pantyhose faces in their own likenesses.

To which we have to ask another question:

These people have friends?

Oh, right. The blind. Blind friends come in very handy when one wants to pass out homemade pantyhose portrait mirrors for gifts.

Wait though…blind people still have a sense of touch. They could still feel the mirror, then turn to their friend, the pantyhose crafter:

“What is this…it feels like…hmmm…a face? Is it a face?”

“Yes! It’s your face! I made your likeness out of used pantyhose! Isn’t it fun?!”

And then the awkward silence that follows…

Pantyhose Craft Week: Part II

For those who travel a lot or have a “black thumb” – it’s…. a Fantasy Fern!

Later, you can gaze at the fern and fantasize about getting back all the hours you spend dying your old stockings green and making a stupid Fantasy Fern.

Oh, but it’s not all room dividers and faux houseplants…. you can also use your old nylons to create a vibrant pantyhose quilt.

So colorful!

So unusual!

A perfect gift for your good friend Frank…. you know, the one with a pantyhose fetish?

It's Pantyhose Craft Week On Threadbared.com!

Do you find yourself accumulating heaps and heaps of used pantyhose?  Nylons ruined with holes and runs? Stockings that turned out to be the wrong color or size?  Do you find yourself thinking, “I wish that there was some use for all these discarded pantyhose”?

No? 

Okay, let’s pretend that you DO keep a large collection of ruined hose and that you ALSO wish that you knew of some fun projects with which to use said pantyhose.  Yes?  Can we pretend this?

Well then, worry no more because Threadbared is here to help with dozens of useless uses for those natty nylons!

First off, did you know that used pantyhose can make surprisingly creative room dividers?

Yes!  It’s true!

Above, we have a room divider made with stretched colored nylons and craft hoops. Isn’t it groovy? It looks just like a store-bought divider, doesn’t it?

And below – a simple divider made with knotted pantyhose and golf balls. And wow, it looks just like…...knotted pantyhose with golf balls, doesn’t it?

Hey, some people like pantyhose.

Some people like golf.

It’s the best of both worlds!

This Is What Happens When You Try To Run With The Tough Crowd.

Little Bobby was grateful for the onset of spring. The daffodils were in bloom, strawberries were coming into season and soon he would no longer have to endure his regular beatings from the Mittens Of Fury gang.

Why Don’t You Ever Wear That Rock Necklace I Gave You?

Nearly 6 years into their marriage, Ronald discovers that if the takes off his glasses and peers at Annabelle with his head turned South by Southeast as she faces Southwest while they stand in a room with 34 watt fluorescent overhead lighting that she almost looks like a young Wilma Flintstone. But with totally the wrong haircut.

In the end, it will be the only thing that keeps them together.

But He Did Remember His Briefcase Full of Guns and Money

Unable to find the latex love glove that he could have sworn he stuck in his pocket before he left the house, Bobby is forced to take advantage of the Roller Rink’s free condoms to kids over 11 policy.

Say What You Will About Bobbie Jo But You Can Be Damn Sure Her Roses Will Take Top Prize At This Year’s Garden Show. Well, They Will If She Makes Bond Anyway.

It was unnerving the way Bobbie Jo looked when she gardened. Sure, her yard was something to be proud of but nobody is that happy over some stinkin’ petunias.

Nobody.

When her husband Ted disappeared a month ago Bobbie Jo didn’t…well…. she didn’t seem that concerned.

“Oh, he’ll turn up sooner or later,” she would always trill, a smile playing on her lips. “Now you have GOT to come look at my begonias….this new fertilizer I’m using is absolutely the bees’ knees!”

Bees’ knees, my ass.

More like Ted’s knees. And ankles. And abdomen.

And…you get the picture.

When the cops took her away she just smiled cheerily and called out for the neighbors to please keep an eye on her American Beauties.

Needless to say we had to revoke her position of Recording Secretary in the Garden Club. Membership had dropped off over the last few years but please, we have to have some regulations.

Getting Ready For Her Close-Up.

Say there Johnny, take a look at that hanging macramé planter!

Look at it! I mean, really take a look at ‘er!  That hanging planter has got charisma!  It’s got moxie! That hanging planter could really BE somebody! I see that planter making it big in the pictures! BIG, I tell ya!

We’ll take her to Hollywood, give ‘er a makeover! Sure, she’s a little rough around the edges but that’s part of the charm, part of that CHARISMA!  This hanging planter, she’s gonna go places, she’s gonna be a star, a big big STAR!

I'm Pretty Sure That If You Take a Close Look at This Little Darlin's Hat You'll See That She's Actually Not a Child At All, But a Ginormous Christmas Ornament

I'm no child health expert, but I'd say when you find your kid eating with a shovel, maybe it's time to scale back on the Cocoa Puffs.

Apron: Strings Attached

"See, I made this special hand sewn apron to show my husband how dedicated I am to my homemaking duties and caring for him.  When he gets home I’ll say something clever like 'Look honey, my heart belongs to you.' "

"Oh!  Good idea.  Maybe I’ll say something like 'Look, Honey!  Come here and let me give you some sugar.'   Get it?  Sugar?  Candy?  The Candy Cane?  Ha ha ha."

"And I’ll say 'Look honey, there’s a big  man stuck in my chimney.' "