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A Dingo Ate My Baby! Wait...Or Maybe That Was My Burrito He Ate.
Roy knew when he married Jenny that she wasn’t the smartest woman in the world. She couldn’t do “hard math like subtraction”, open a bottle of Tylenol, or follow the plot of an Everybody Loves Raymond episode. And she was always putting her head into the arm holes of her sweaters – even though he drew that diagram for her. But she had plenty of other good qualities. She made great untoasted toast. She had incredible concentration. She could stare at something shiny for hours. Plus, she had a pretty decent rack.
And when their first child was born, she loved him like crazy. There was only one problem. She had the habit of confusing him with other things. Once she gave a warm gentle bath to their VCR (which is not covered under warranty, by the way). Then there was the afternoon that she took that dead possum to the park and pushed it on the swing (park mommies can be so judgmental). Ron didn’t think she was careless, just…well…a moron. But his moron. The moron mother of his child with the nice boobs.
Still, when their second child was born he decided not to take any chances. The day that Jenny figured out she was pregnant, Ron went out and bought an embroidery machine. That gave him the remaining 3 months of her pregnancy to label everything in the house.
Posted by Kimberly on September 18, 2006 | Permalink
Comments
Yet another advertisment for the Cult Prevention Outreach Program. Maybe she embroidered "My Son" on the snuggly so the other wives in the compound wouldn't accuse her of trying to sneak off with their kids.
Posted by: infantkitteensyringe | Sep 17, 2006 10:06:35 PM
I love the way they are HOLDING their kids. Um, with a carrier, you probably shouldn't have to hold them underneath?
But if you're gonna drop them, they should be labeled.
Posted by: stefaneener | Sep 18, 2006 12:47:54 AM
Why is it that the 'baby carrier for him' is made with print fabric and lace trim while the 'baby carrier for her' is made of a solid masculine shade of blue with the less-frilly rickrack trim??
If they can't even keep the baby carriers straight, what hope do they have of remembering which child is which?
Or perhaps he's not the boy's real father...
Unknowlingly, he embroidered the back of the blue carrier -- and now she has to wear it all the time to prevent the horrible lie.
Posted by: sly | Sep 18, 2006 9:02:15 AM
I s'pose Mom the moron is carrying the boy because he is littler. And Pa the boob sap is carrying the girl because she is... duh ... heavier, and Pa is very thoughtful to his wife. He also helped name the children, one he actually named My Son, a name he became very fond of as a child growing up in an all girl family where he had to wear hand me down girl clothes every day because they were quite poor. His dad went around explaining to everyone "this is my SON, damn it!" Roy had a very hard time embracing his real name Roy, since has very fond memories of being called "My Son, damn it." He also has very fond attatchent to the words "Damn it" and in the early years of his childhood he actually thought "Damn it" was his real name, and then he got smart and realized his name was really Roy My Son. Said fast, "Roymson" is how he is known in the music industry. He plays mandolin on the Gondolas in the canals of Venice, when he is not at home embroydering.
Posted by: Daffy | Sep 18, 2006 10:41:48 AM
I think Roy and Jenny bought those baby carriers at the Goodwill right after they made their border crossing into Yuma, Arizona from Mexico successfully smuggling 6 wetbacks to safety in the trunk of their beat-up old '57 Chevy earning them a cool $900. which they quickly spent on some much needed clothing, and their over-due apartment rent, and a dragon fly of paper mache, and some artist paints to paint the greenery in the windowless children's room, which is a nice touch, I might add.
They are going back to Mexico next month to earn more smuggle-money after which they will get a couple of cribs for the kids and some shoes for the poor things, and a couple more colors of paint so they can finish painting whe wall mural, tastefully adding tulips and xinias and a few lotus blossoms for luck.
They don't embroider. They are starving artists who had to turn to people smuggling to earn a living. They are artistic people smugglers.
Posted by: underwaterblues | Sep 18, 2006 11:10:53 AM
Hm, which will send these kids into therapy first? The fact their parents had to label them in embroidery? Or the fact that their nursery mural was inspired by some precursor to Mothra... Except not as cuddly....
Hm... I wonder.
Posted by: Jenn | Sep 18, 2006 12:13:05 PM
gawwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
thud
Posted by: mic | Sep 18, 2006 1:34:05 PM
"The moron mother of his child with the nice boobs." The child has nice boobs? I'm confused and concerned.
Posted by: BulletsPrincess | Sep 18, 2006 1:44:15 PM
It's hard to choose here; do we pick the mother whose child has just apparently dumped three times his body weight into his diaper (from the look on her face), or the other child whose look of horror indicates that he has just realized he's being held by a mime with a cameltoe?
And Baby Dump's carrier seems to say "My Sin", which either indicates he's into retro perfumes, or else he is the product of Roy cohabitating with Jenny without benefit of clergy.
I am now waiting for the other shoe to drop, because when it does, it will crush these people who (judging from the dragonfly and grass) appear to be about six inches inches tall (not including the limp hairstyles).
Posted by: Kathryn | Sep 18, 2006 1:49:28 PM
This photo illustrates the dangers of global warming.
Jenny and Roy live in a post-apocalyptic world where the increasing temperatures have melted the polar ice caps and destroyed civilization as we know it. Giant, blood-sucking insects roam the Earth, spreading the West Nile Virus and other diseases that are far too horrible to mention. Most of the world's men have been rendered sterile due to the toxic chemicals polluting the air and water.
Roy was not really the type of man that Jenny wanted to be the father of her children, but she had little choice. In fact, she had no other choice. Roy was the only fertile man in a 100 mile-radius that hadn't started mutating into a lizard-like creature. When Roy and Jenny make the 10-mile walk with the kids to collect their daily food rations, Jenny just puts on her best fake smile and reminds herself that as a female of childbearing age she must do her duty to re-populate the Earth and rebuild civilization. Jenny made a special baby carrier marked with "My Son" in the hope that her rare and special male child would bump them to the head of the food line and entitle them to an extra government cheese ration. As they make the long trek to the food distribution station, Jenny smiles her fake smile and laments: "If only I had recycled more... If only I had driven a hybrid instead of a gas-guzzling SUV... If only I had voted for that other guy... I might have been able to marry that cute guy Frank from accounting, instead of Roy, the mime who used to hang out in the park by the carousel."
But alas, Frank is now a two-headed lizard mutant who spends most of his day chasing giant dragonflies through the chemical waste dump. So Jenny just smiles her fake smile and dreams of government cheese and hardtack biscuits.
Posted by: OzoneGirl | Sep 18, 2006 3:24:37 PM
What? No "This End Up" arrows?
Posted by: M | Sep 18, 2006 4:08:51 PM
Take a good look at "dad". I think it's obvious that this man never has and never will father a child. And why he chose the frilly carrier. If you know what I mean.
Posted by: Ellie | Sep 18, 2006 7:24:00 PM
A perfect outfit to wear on the eve of Talk Like A Pirate Day, though a real pirate kid would at least have the hoop earring.
Posted by: beastarzmom | Sep 18, 2006 11:44:46 PM
I live in Utah.
I've seen those compound dwellers ~ who are not, by the way Mormons but some fringy offshoot ~ aplenty.
Jenny is sporting polygamist hair and polygamist "proud to be with the husband" smile. The dress, however, is all wrong. She should be wearing long sleeves.
Posted by: SageHen | Sep 19, 2006 12:16:16 AM
Naw, Roy can't be a pirate, even though today (as I type) is Talk Like A Pirate Day. He hasn't got the proper Tampax stance. Arrrrrrr!
Posted by: Kathryn | Sep 19, 2006 2:35:49 AM
Sagetten, you are SO right about the polygamist wife look! God, that's scary...
Posted by: Ellie | Sep 19, 2006 8:03:04 AM
Ugly *and* useless. Ah, the dark ages of babyraising before anyone (except millions of people in other countries who didn't count) had heard of mei tais and rebozos.
Posted by: Liz | Sep 19, 2006 8:40:42 PM
I think OzoneGirl is on to something about the postapocalyptic world, but those aren't babies. They're cancerous mutations growing on the abdomens of these time-travellers from the future. (Didn't you see "Total Recall"?) The baby carrier pouches merely mask the horror as something wholesome and pleasant. THAT is why hers is labeled "My Son." (or is it "My Sow"?) So no one will suspect the truth. (AND mutation would explain that moustache!)
Also, the grass painted on the wall is freaking me out. It reminds me of similar walls in "The Cabinet of Dr Caligari." Maybe these four are residents of an insane assylum, being forced to model to pay for those portions of their care that the State won't pay for.
Posted by: Allen | Sep 20, 2006 8:54:30 AM
Am I the only one seeing a double shotgun wedding between first cousins?
Oh, wait, then it is one of those polygamist-cult-compound things.
Posted by: severina | Sep 20, 2006 7:22:31 PM
Roy looks a lot like a younger Giraldo Rivera - had to do a double-take when I first saw strange couple. That dragonfly would frighten any kid.
Posted by: Susan | Sep 20, 2006 11:43:27 PM
I suppose she embroidered "My Son" because she couldn't spell "daughter". Freaky! Reminds me of my parent's friends, who named their son Hijo (they also used a baby carrier like the one in the pic). Poor kid never quite forgave his parents for that moniker!
Posted by: Desiree | Sep 21, 2006 11:03:28 AM
Jenny embroidered "My Son" on the baby carrier because she just kidnapped the kid and she got the bright idea if she embroydered "My Son" on the carrier people would never suspect that she just plain stole him from a grocery cart in Kentucky and quickly headed west to Utah. At first she tried tatooing "My Son" on his forhead, but the kid, being quite a screamer anyway kept shrieking and grabbing at the needle so Jenny had to do the embroydered cloth thing instead. Pray for these people.
Posted by: JuJu | Sep 22, 2006 1:46:57 AM
Thanks Daffy, that was awesome. :)
Posted by: Julie | Sep 22, 2006 9:52:54 AM
Severina'a RIGHT- it's a hillbilly wedding! Incest is best, roll your own!
Posted by: Melissa | Sep 22, 2006 12:52:10 PM
Holy heck people be nice....can't you see that it was picture day at the homeless shelter? The children (for safety reasons) had to face away from the camera or have a blue dot put on there faces. Since they both look like a boy or a girl from that angle and plus (shhhh....don't say it to loudly) all the heroin use of both Mom and Chester they needed to identify them somehow hence the "my son" snugly thing. Now don't you all feel bad? LOL!!
Posted by: Moonshine | Sep 22, 2006 6:22:03 PM
I'm getting (more) confused (than usual)! Is Ozone Girl's "partner" called Roy or Chester, (reminds me in my right-wing Baptist high school there was a guy named Coy...) Anyway, eeeekkkk; and it's true, we can't see their teeth very well, they could be heroin teeth.
Posted by: Melissa | Sep 23, 2006 5:31:34 AM
Are you mistaken? I thought that was the 45 rpm vinyl record cover of Geraldo's rendition of "Brandy (You're a Fine Girl)"?
Posted by: Oblivious Maven | Sep 24, 2006 10:34:45 PM
Okay kids, here's the real scoop.
I just talked to the parents of this lovely couple,all four of them (that was quite a hoot...)
Seems like there was some mix-up in the nursery when the little boy was born, you know, wrong baby to wrong mother kind of day.
Stuff like that happens even in the best of hospitals, but it seems here in Kentucky you have to watch it all the time.
Jenny's mother attests to the fact that Jenny did in fact deliver a porky little 8 pound son, but the woman in the next room had birthed twin girls the same day and she had really hoped for a porky little son....and since she came from a powerful wealthy family she pulled strings to get the babies switched; so that the next day when the babies were passed out to their mammas, guess who got the twin girls? You guessed it,Jenny.
At first Jenny was confused, she was so doped up on morphine for the pain, but that's when her mom stepped in, not being confused at all, and she set things straight at that hospital all right! S
he marched right through the nursery checking every mother until she found the little boy with the shaggy brown little mustache and yanked him off the breast nibble and all, just yanked him, I tell you, milk squirting all over the place...but she marched right out with him and into their waiting car outside, while the 3 other parents dressed Jenny up in her pinafore and carried her into the car with nurses and interns chasing them down the hall and down the road as the car sped off to the police station.
They then turned the entire OB and nursery staff over to the police and it was one of the police who did the embroidery on the little boy's blue baby carrier actually. Didn't want her to loose him again, I guess. Some cops are like that, just plain thoughtful.
Jenny was so happy that she is naming her next boy after him, "Cop". You heard it folks, the next baby carrier this couple sports will say "My Cop" in gold letters and a tiny little embroidered silver gun. How do ya like them plans, eh!
Posted by: Iz4u | Sep 25, 2006 9:13:39 PM
Oookay. Well. I'm sad that the Roy-Ron discrepancy hasn't been brought up yet. But since we're going with the culty-Utah-not-Mormons-but-still-weird theme, I'm thinking Roy and Ron must be twin brothers and Dingy hasn't yet caught wise. I'm particularly pleased, however, that it was Roy's day for the pictures, since Baby-Gay was having dysentery that day. Can't you smell it? I mean, it must be pretty awful, considering his 'I'm sooooo happy to be here' face and 'how many times do we have to take this picture oh god she's doing it again' smile. The beatific Dingy doesn't seem realize that the shiny lights in the studio aren't actually the sun, and is transfixed by the big lights and confused by the fact that there are 7 "suns" today, and there was only one yesterday, at least only one she could see through her 5" x 5" window in her cell. They call them "rooms", but let's be realistic here. How truthful can you be when you're a loudspeaker? I can see it now, all 'Charlie's Angel' style - everyone crowding around the radio speaker thingy and their "god" talking to them, all tinny- and bad-70s-cop-show-spinoff-like. Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain! I hear him cry!
Just sayin'.
Posted by: Regina | Sep 26, 2006 2:17:35 AM
"Take a good look at "dad". I think it's obvious that this man never has and never will father a child. And why he chose the frilly carrier. If you know what I mean."
Oh, yeah, I know what you mean. That was the first thing I thought of when I saw the picture, what with that moustache and shirt. The second thing I thought was that the woman looks as if she stepped straight out of a weird, polygamist commune in the mountains, the kind filled with quiet, happy people who stick to themselves--until the day they all come down out of the mountains with assault rifles and tanks, take over a city, and go down in a hail of fire from government helicopters and surface-to-surface missile lauchers. But at least their babies all had nice, handmade carriers.
Posted by: Lois | Oct 4, 2006 1:47:22 PM
I second Regina's comment. I was totally wondering how the whole Roy/Ron thing came into play.
Posted by: nadine | Oct 7, 2006 1:21:28 AM
I go for the Yuma Goodwill starving artist explaination, makes sence to me. I've seen these kind of atristic types here in Yuma, decorating walls with huge bugs and dragonflies, sometimes even huge ants and spiders. This photo is not about the snuggly thingys or the kids, it's about two starving artists trying to earn a buck or two posing for a ridiculous pattern company in front of their art so they don't have to do more people smuggling.
Posted by: gollygee | Oct 15, 2006 12:26:46 AM
What is really bad is I am geeky enough to know exactly what butter beer, and slytherin is. That makes it extra special.
Posted by: Muggles | Jan 12, 2007 4:18:24 AM
