Threadbared

Hide-and-Go-Stink

It had been one week since the annual Thompson Thanksgiving hide-and-seek game and still no one had found Grannie's hiding place.

Get Your Minds Out Of The Gutters, It Is Most Certainly NOT A Sexually-Transmitted Pompom.

Sherri wasn't sure if it was pompomitis, pompompulmonary dysplasia, connective pompom disease or merely pre-pompom syndrome but something was definitely not right.

Gary Tries to Transition to "Legitimate" Photography

Overheard at a Mon Tricot photo shoot:

"OK.  Gloria, good start with the mouth there.  We can work with that.  But Sharon, what's with the smile?  Not exactly appropriate for a photo shoot, is it?  Could we get a little less Sears Catalog and a little more Barely Legal Babes?"

"Good, Gloria.  Excellent.  The camera loves you.  Now in this shot we want to see Porn Mouth in a rain storm.  Can you do that?'

"What? We don't have a rain machine?  Crap.  OK.  Do we have a ladder and a guy with a watering can?  NO?  Are you serious?  This building doesn't have running water?  Good Lord, I'm going back to Hustler first thing Monday morning."

"OK, Gloria.  Change of plans.  I'm going to need Porn Mouth in a gumball storm.  That's it, darling.  Beautiful!"

 

"Now I need Porn Mouth at a party."

"What?  A fiesta?  Sure.  Whatever.  Yes, there can be a piñata.  Margaritas?  OK.  Whatever. Yes, and those little things you blow on that make noise.  Sure.  Look, who cares?  Just get the mouth magic right, OK, honey?"

"Now, Gloria, babe, in this shot I'm gonna need the Porn Mouth you can't take home to Momma.  You know what I'm talking about!  Perfect, sugar, perfect!"

"OK, we have to finish up this shoot today.  Let's move on to the rest of the models."

 

"Now kids, for this shot I'm going to need Porn Mouths in a blackout.  Got it?"

Behind The Scenes At The "Novelties And Things" Brainstorming Session.

Novelties and Things...well, hmmm. I don't know...it just sounds sort of vague, you know that I mean guys? What else have you got?

Novelties and Stuff? That sounds too...too casual. Yeah, that's the right word. Causal.

Novelties and Junk? That's even worse than "stuff." That almost sounds like it's, you know....a bunch of worthless objects.

What's that? I'm not going to like the next idea then? Nah, come on! Let's give it a shot....go ahead and show me the next concept.

Oh.

Well, that's it...we're just going to have to stick with the first title. "Novelties and Things!" It sounds sort of fun....people like novelties. And...things.

Okay, what's the first item in the booklet?

A whisk cover, eh? Now would this be a novelty or a thing? I'm thinking it's a...novelty? Is that right? What's the next one?

Um...that looks like another novelty? Let's go with "novelty" for this one.

Next!

What the...?

This is in the booklet? Seriously?

Okay, I wasn't so sure about the first two but this? This is definitely a "thing."

Wait Til You See the Love Poem I Wrote on My Thighs With a Sharpie

Wow.  I can't believe tonight is the night.  I mean you hardly even talked to me until rush started last week.  I didn't even think you liked me.  I mean you guys do call me Nancy Tubbypants Notachance.  But I'm crazy about you and we're together now sort of and I just know that tonight will be super special.

OK, so I wait in the common room downstairs, right?  Naked.  Nothing but that hot pink afghan.  Set the scene a little.  Bring whipped cream.  Got it.  Maybe I can bring over a couple of ferns from the Beta Club office.  And I'll curl my hair up really pretty for you.  And you said I should lock my clothes in your room, right, so they'll be safe?  No problem.

I know you guys usually have parties at the house on Saturday nights, but you're totally positive that all of your fraternity brothers are going to the Vortex for drinks after the game and not back to the fraternity house?  I mean, I know the flyers around campus say something about Shame Night, but you said plans had changed, right?

OK.  Awesome.  See you tonight, Tiger.

And I'm Putting That Derringer Toilet Paper Holder on My Christmas List

Got troublesome possums in your tater patch?  Does your Uncle Marvin show up univited to family dinners and get all handsy?  Does that little skank from down the road keep showing up and demanding her tupperware back?

Then what you need is a way to protect yourself.

But let me ask you this:  Do you also believe in the importance of an appropriately lit room? Do you have trouble reading without direct light? 

Then what you need, my friend, is a Rifle Lamp.  That's right.  A Rifle Lamp.  Combining the beauty of subtle illumination with the ability to blow a hole in Uncle Marvin's sorry behind, the Rifle Lamp is truly an asset to any modern home*.

And be sure to store it near the fireplace.  Ammunition and open flame always make for an exciting combination!

*Rifle Lamp can also be used as a backdrop for stiff, awkward seduction poses.

The New Threadbared Book's Here! The New Threadbared Book's Here! We're Somebodies Now!*

Yes, it's a happy day here at Threadbared HQ. The book is officially out and there's 176 pages of (mostly) new material for us to share with you. We just can't wait for you all to meet our new friends that we've been hanging out with for the past year.

Like this fun-loving guy:

And this sweetie right here:

And these kids too:

And these...um...these...well, we're still not sure what the hell these things are:

So run, walk, skate, or sashay to your local bookseller and snag the funniest book about crafts by two Southern girls who can't do crafts ever written! Or at least pick up a copy, flip through it and laugh loudly and uncontrollably enough to inspire others to buy it.  And with the holiday season quickly approaching, this book also makes a great gift!**

* Of course we are both huge fans of The Jerk.

**Not recommended for extremely religious grandparents or children who can actually read (but the little illiterate tots will love those wacky pictures!).

Ode To Fall.

Sweet November, I will always remember
It was the month that I learned how to knit

And once I knew how
I sat back and said "wow"
Here's a hobby that I won't quit

I create my own designs
With the least-flattering lines

For the clothes I create
Well, they represent hate
That I feel for my supermodel sisters

Because standing beside them
It's impossible to feel femme
Instead I'm a troll...covered with blisters

Sister Sue is a statuesque beauty
But to me, she's just beyond snooty
With her brilliant green eyes
And flowing blond hair
Sue has style and grace to spare

But if I knit her a gift
She'll be a bit miffed
Because she knows our mom
Will make her wear it

Sue hates her hips
Even though they're mere blips
She thinks that they're wide
So with this skirt I tried
To bulk-up
That stuck-up
Sister of mine

It may be a bit lumpy
And no man will want to humpy
But it's about time
Sue felt a little dumpy
(don't you think)

As for Nadine
She looks like string bean
Well, a bean with exotic allure

So I'll swaddle her frame
With sixty pounds of cottony shame
So she'll regret that time
When she called me Slug Slime
In front of my number one crush

A knitted patchwork coat, it's a good plan
Can I help it if it makes Nadine look like the Michelin Man

As for me, I must go
And get on with the show

I've an awful lot of knitting to do....

Never Let It Be Said That We Can't Take A Hint.

Darling readers, what can we say? Would you believe that the dog ate our pattern books?

No?

Well, in honor of our book coming out next Tuesday (!!!!!) we'll be posting something every day for the next week. After that, well..we'll try a little harder to get back to our regular posting schedule.

We thank you for your infinite patience (ahem!) and your readership.