Threadbared

Love Is Two Souls Dwelling In One Macramed Vest.

Meet Dan.

Dan is going on a date.

Dan is going on a blind date with Donna.

Donna and Dan have a mutual friend in Dave. Dave has described Donna as being "arty" and "free-spirited."

Dan likes the sound of that.

Dan likes to think that he and Donna will be kindred spirits. He envisions running his fingers through Donna's hair, spending entire nights just looking deeply into her eyes.

Dan will always be himself with Donna. He won't put on airs, trying to be something he's not.

Dan took a great deal of time deciding on his clothes for this date with Donna. He had to wear something that showed who he was as a person. Something that showcased his inner being. The essence of Dan.

He put on his favorite macrame vest. Dan got in his Dodge Dart and drove to Donna's apartment, his stomach doing flips in anticipation.

He arrived at the Harmony Grove apartment complex. He walked up the stairs to Apt 3G.

Dan knocked on Donna's door.

But before the door opened Dan turned and ran down the stairs. He slid into the Dart and peeled out of the parking lot.

For you see, Dan was afraid of rejection. What if Donna didn't appreciate Dan's true self? What if she had laughed when she opened the door?

But oh, if only Dan has stuck around!

I have the feeling this relationship could have worked out.

As For Getting A Few Giggles Over Besjana's Headband...Well, No One Felt Too Badly Over That.

Everyone in gym class tried not to laugh as the Albanian exchange student attempted to take her new American-style knitted swimsuit off over her head.

"...I Will Pick Up The Needles. I Will Knit Something New. Two Things. And I Call Them Thing One And Thing Two."

"These Things will not bite you.
They want to have fun."

Then, out of the box
Came Thing Two and Thing One!

And they ran to us fast.
They said, "Do you like to sniff glue?
Would you like to sniff glue
With Thing One and Thing Two?"

And Kimberly and I
Did not know what to do.
So we had to sniff glue
With Thing One and Thing Two.

And then after that
We had such a hard time
Thinking up words
Words that would rhyme.

So we just took a nap instead.

The End.

The Devil Went Down to Georgia (for a Makeover)

In keeping with this, the Golden Age of Makeovers, and in honor of the return of the greatest makeover show ever (Beauty and the Geek), we present to you the much heralded, greatly anticipated:

Threadbared Prince of Darkness Makeover

                                BEFORE

Old Lucifer (seen here in The Passion of the Christ) has a number of aesthetic problems. Pale, sallow skin. Bloodshot eyes. Undereye circles. Missing eyebrows. Scary ass Grim Reaper hoodie.  The nails from the Saw movie poster.  Clearly he…she…it(?)…needs some help. If only there were eight beautiful morons here to help. Oh well, we’ll have to do the best we can with the two morons we have here at Threadbared.

OK…so we gave old Luci a little tinted moisturizer, some Cover Girl blush from 1986, and a couple of prosthetic eyebrows that we made from those fake fiesta mustaches that we got at Party City. Plus, we swapped the Dark Avenger’s hoodie of death for a kicky crochet number. Oh, and we gave it(?) one of those cool purses that really isn’t a purse at all but just a wallet shaped like a purse and at first you think it’s cool but then you realize that there’s nowhere to put your lip gloss.

Anyway, Voila! Here’s the new and improved Sassy Satan!!

                                 AFTER

OK, so maybe the pink was a little much, but the skirt was a great choice. You can’t see it here, but the Evil One has some slammin’ gams.

The Hills Are Alive...With My Knitted Ponchoooooo...

Some days I wish I could have the kind of blind optimism this model seems to posses. The ability to just toss your woes aside and be completely carefree. I'd like to be up on that hilltop, all slaphappy and untroubled...whirling my arms about, my poncho flying in a freewheeling fashion.  I'd like to experience this model's exhilaration...I want to have her joyous view of the world through rose-colored glasses.

Or I'd like to obtain the drugs that she must be on. That would also be nice.

Lose Weight. Stop Smoking. End Relationship With Bland, Anatomically Incorrect Boyfriend Of 46 Years

Hey yall!

It's your old friend Barbie, remember me? It's been so long since I was last featured on Threadbared I thought I'd pop in to wish everyone a Happy New Year!

New Year's is just one of my favorite times, you know? A chance to start all over again, fresh beginnings. While Ken and I were jogging this morning I got to thinking about my plans for 2007. I'm going to be a Whole New Barbie. I mean, I'm a flexible sort of gal. In any given year I change occupations, hobbies, hair color, eye color and even ethnicities at least three dozen times. I can roll with the changes, you know? But this year is going to be different and not just in a "now I'm a redheaded astronaut" sort of way. 2007 is going to be the year that I get my head in order.

And in order to do this, I'll need to make a few New Year's resolutions...

Resolution #1

STOP OBSESSING OVER KEN.

Threadbared readers, do you realize that Ken and I have been dating since 1961? That's right, FORTY-SIX YEARS of dating. I'm starting to think Ken might be a bit of a commitment-phobe. I keep buying wedding dresses but Ken never marries me. It's time to move on.

Resolution #2

Spend more time with my girlfriends, engaging in Winter Fun. Nice, frosty Winter Fun...that'll keep my mind off Ken.

Resolution # 3

Stop dressing to please Ken. There's no point. Last December I spent days creating the perfect fantasy Snow Gown for the 2006 Snow Ball. And did that jerk Ken appreciate my handiwork one bit? No. He kept cracking himself up all night referring to me as "Snow Goon" in front of Midge and Christie and  everybody!

Resolution # 4

Spend more time on my crafting. I really should finish that afghan to go on Grandma's Feather Bed. Because that's what spinsters do, right? Lie under a homemade afghan and cry themselves to sleep, all ALONE in their grandma's old bed?

Resolution # 5

Treat myself to a beautifully-set table each night. Just because I'm DINING SOLO doesn't mean that I have to eat my Lean Cuisine Tuscan Chicken out of the plastic tray while standing in the kitchen.

Resolution # 6

Finally get in touch with my ancestry. Where did I come from anyway? I've always felt envious of other people's cultural roots. I just feel so white bread and...I don't know...plastic in comparison. Even Ken got to celebrate his lineage last fall when he found out he was 1/18th Native American Indian. It's just so unfair.

Resolution # 7

Put more thought into my wardrobe. Even if I'm not dressing to please a man I still need to please myself. I always feel my best when I'm put together in a Snappy Twosome.

Resolution # 8

When summer rolls around this year I'm going to take the time to enjoy Fun In The Sun. I mean, why not? I deserve it! But this year I vow to be mindful of the sun's harmful rays and their potential damage. A girl must preserve her youth after all! Does anyone know how to crochet a bottle of SPF 45?

Resolution # 9

Speaking of Fun In The Sun, I plan to spend more time in general enjoying the great outdoors. Who says a canoe built for two can't work just as well for one?

Resolution # 10

NO MORE WEDDING PARAPHERNALIA. And this time I really mean it. I will purchase no more gowns, no more veils. The wedding cake table and tablecloth are going straight to the Salvation Army. And surely somebody can get good use out of the tuxedo I crocheted for Ken.

Resolution #11

Who am I kidding here? It's only lunchtime on January 2nd and I've already broken half of these resolutions. Who needs resolutions anyway? New Year's is for chumps! We are who we are! Why try to change? Ken, I'll wait another 46 years if I have to! I'll do whatever you want! I can be whatever you want! A blond paleontologist? A brunette professional ice skater? You want a redheaded flight attendant? A pediatrician? A WNBA basketball player? Ken! Come back to me baby! Kenny!!!! Where are you going my loooooooveeeeer?!?! KENNNNNNN!!!!!!

(Edit: Wow. Kimberly and I both apologize for the unprofessional nature of this post. We were under the impression that Barbie had been undergoing extensive amounts of therapy since her last appearance on Threadbared in 2005. She promised us that everything was under control. What can we say? We got lazy and figured she could handle the first post of 2007. We won't be making that mistake again. We do wish all of our readers a happy New Year and hope that this incident will not negatively affect readership in the coming year. Thank you. - Threadbared Management)