Threadbared

There's A Reason Why The Word "Macrame" Rhymes With "Scare Away."

Here at Threadbared, we're all for creativity when it comes to macrame. The medium naturally lends itself to artistic expression.

But!

Sometimes things can get a bit out of hand. We're not saying you have to stick with safety projects such as owls and plant-hangers. We just suggest that you exercise caution in your knotting pursuits. You don't want to induce nightmares or frighten schoolchildren, do you? Of course not!

And so we present:  The Threadbared Guide To Macrame Safety!

Tip 1:  Please avoid any High Priestess-style headdresses that resemble something from The Dark Crystal, possibly making you look like the Dying Emperor of the Skeksis.

Tip 2: Please avoid  macrame footwear that looks like a page torn from a "Diseases Of The Skin" medical textbook.

Tip 3:  Please avoid that whole chainmail-clad warrior-slash-beekeeper look. 

Tip 4:  Please avoid any "head veils" that look less like a veil and more like a group of teenage cooties that are on an Outward Bound excursion and are currently rappelling down the back of your head.

Tip 5:  Please avoid any backpacks that look like some Phish-worshiping hippie spontaneously combusted across your shoulders and you just left it there.

Tip 6:  Please avoid any National Geographic/African Village style bras that make you....oh, for God's sake. Do we even have to explain this one?

Just no.

Just don't, okay?

A Public Service Announcement From Threadbared.com

Meet Sharon.

Sharon has a problem.

Can you guess what Sharon's problem is?

For many people, accessories are a fun way to jazz up an otherwise plain outfit. A stylish belt to go with one's pants, a pretty handbag to wear with one's dress. It's all in good fun. For others, however, accessories take on an entirely different meaning. They can become as destructive as any other addiction and result in an embarrassing nightmare for the accessorizer and their family. This is referred to as compulsive accessorizing.

Compulsive accessorizing is defined as "excessive" and "out of control." As with other addictions, the accessory addict continues to pile on accessories in the face of adverse consequences. Sometimes referred to as "accessorholizm," compulsive accessorizers can create massive financial, marital and family problems. The addiction can also result in numerous fashion faux pas.

Behaviors That May Indicate A Problem:

• Accessorizing as a result of feeling angry, depressed, anxious, or lonely.

• Having arguments with others about one's accessorizing habits.

• Feeling lost without accessories - actually going into withdrawal without jewelry, bags, belts and shoes.

• Describing a rush or a feeling of euphoria with accessorizing.

• Feeling guilty, ashamed, or embarrassed after an accessorizing spree.

• Thinking obsessively about earrings or brooches.

• Lying about how many accessories one has on. For instance, owning up to wearing four belts but lying about six additional belts worn under the clothes.

For those of you who have identified with three or more of the above, there may be a problem. Take a moment and count the number of belts you are currently wearing. Now check the number of shoes you have on.

If you feel that, like Sharon, you may have an accessorizing problem we at Threadbared are here to help. Please send any extraneous jewelry, designer handbags, cute shoes and/or belts to Mary & Kimberly  c/o Threadbared.com in Atlanta, Georgia.

My Hands Are Already Tired and I Haven't Even Gotten to the Fat Pants Section

I'm totally digging this idea of using the magic of needlepoint to clearly define each item of clothing in one's closet.  I mean, sure it could be time consuming to needlepoint a closet full of hangers, but take a look at that hanger at the top.  What do you think hangs on that hanger?  Is it Aunt Betty's bingo skirt?  Is it the whore dress that makes Grandma sweat over her rosary every time Janet wears it to Whiskey River?  Is it Mom's mom jeans?  No, clearly it's Adam's Coat.

This clarity of closet inspired me to work on some hangers for my own stuff. Here's what I have so far:

Come Sail Away With Meeeeeeee!*

I'm sailing away, set an open course for the virgin sea
I've got to be free, free to face the life that's ahead of me
On board, I'm the captain, in my crocheted jerkin
My fashion ensemble, it needs some reworkin'
And I'll try, oh Lord, I'll try to carry on

I look to the sea, reflections in the waves spark my memory
Some happy, some sad
I think of crocheted vests and the times we've had
We live happily forever, so the story goes
But somehow no one else seems...to like my clothes
But we'll try best that we can...to caaaaaarry ooooooon!

A gathering of crocheted belts appeared around my torso!
They sang to me this song of hope, and this is what they bellow!
They said come sail away, come sail away!
Come sail away with me!
Come sail away, come sail away!
Come sail away with me!

*With apologies to Styx.