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3 Dresses - 2 Girls = 1 Teacher's Pet

 

I don't know exactly what they teach at this so called "Ding Dong School," but I don't like the way Red's looking at me.

But He Did Remember His Briefcase Full of Guns and Money

Unable to find the latex love glove that he could have sworn he stuck in his pocket before he left the house, Bobby is forced to take advantage of the Roller Rink’s free condoms to kids over 11 policy.

I'm Pretty Sure That If You Take a Close Look at This Little Darlin's Hat You'll See That She's Actually Not a Child At All, But a Ginormous Christmas Ornament

I'm no child health expert, but I'd say when you find your kid eating with a shovel, maybe it's time to scale back on the Cocoa Puffs.

Grandma Was a Paper Percher, a TP Topper, a Charmin Squatter.

 

"But Mommy, I don't understand.  I'm the only kid in the whole school who has a mom whose legs have to be bolted to a metal stool to keep her standing upright.  Why can't you just be like all the other moms?"

"Now, honey.  I've explained to you about our family history and Splayed Leg Teeter Totter Syndrome.  You should just be glad that the gene skipped you.  And it could be worse.  Remember your dear old Grandma?"

"Yes, Mommy.  You're right.  I'm ever so glad that I don't have to Ride the Roll like Grandma. Now let me slide you into the kitchen so you can make me some jello."

Tooties And Tallywackers

Audrey Walsh (possible daughter of Mary Walsh?) takes her therapy sessions with the school psychologist a little too much to heart:

NO, Marci.  Audrey told you.  Do not speak to her directly.  Speak only to me and Leo.  She will only converse with you through us, her puppet pals.  Now, back to our good touch/ bad touch discussion.  Do you know where your HooHa is?

Night of the Smiling Dead

I think it's extremely innovative of McCall's to use pattern models that are CLINICALLY DECEASED.

Like her:

 

And her:

Here she is again (after further decay):

I know it must be a handful for the photog assistants to get these gals strapped in and propped up, and I suspect that the smell wears you down after a long day of shooting.  But corpses are edgy and hip and they save a ton on model fees.

You Should See His Ball Peen Hammer.

That afternoon Hank came over to help Jim work on this car. He thought Jim was overcompensating with the enormous wrench but he couldn't say anything, Jim was his best pal. They shared a pack of smokes and talked about old times. Hank wanted to tell him the truth, that wearing his wife's handsewn Vogue ensembles made him no less of a man but he knew Jim would never listen.

Together, they lifted the wrench and tightened lug-nuts well into the evening, their manhood securely intact.

Fresh, Young, Tender, Completely Delicious.

Sure they put on a good front for nine months, but the ladies in the Junior Service League always thought something was a lit-tle bit strange about Sandy and Patty.

They sewed booties, talked about names and painted the nurseries. But, there was always that slightly wild look in their eyes, the suspicious sneer that certainly didn't look motherly.

Of course it was sad, but no one was really surprised to hear the news that they had both eaten their young.

The Unbearable Agony of Swimsuit Season

Mary:   Apparently even women in the 1950s experienced the same Cathy comic strip-style existential crisis over finding a damn bathing suit that fits. Say it with me everyone: "AACK!"

Sister, you can clutch your head and "AACK" all you want but a swimsuit with boy-cut legholes will do nothing except MAKE YOU HATE YOUR THIGHS.  Heck, a boy-cut swimsuit could MAKE YOU HATE THE FACT THAT YOU EVEN HAVE THIGHS.

Oh, and that pelvic-thrust posture that you have going there?

No. No. No. No.

Just give it up, put on an oversized smock like your girlfriends and let's call it a day.  Grab a Fudgecicle, go sit in the shade and have a good "AACK" or two.  You've earned it.

Kimberly:   I like how you can tighten up the sides for maximum camel toe action.  Also, it would look infinitely better with a butt bra.

And one more thing:  is the girl on the right eating her fist?  I understand being upset trying on bathing suits.  Last time I suffered in swimwear under the demon-spawned fluorescent lights at Macy’s I was pretty upset and swore to never again put any food in my mouth.  But I didn’t think of plugging it up with my fist. 

Smart girl.

Stuffed in a Muff

Look at this poor woman.  She's obviously in need of assistance.  If you look closely at her face you can almost hear her cries for help:

"Excuse me.  Could someone please help me?  I seem to have gotten my hand stuck inside my muff.  You see, my hand was cold so I put it inside my muff to keep it warm.  But either my hand is too big or my muff is too small, because it seems to be quite stuck.  Oh, could someone please help me pull my hand out of my muff?  I can't go walking around like this.  It's embarrassing."

I wonder why no one is helping her?

He's In Again

I know what you're thinking:  Why, those aprons are simply adorable.  Nothing would make me happier than to clothe my homemaking hubby in such a yummi-licious apron.  But how, oh how, will I convince him to wear this little slice of heaven?  Well, according to the caption on the pattern, you should have no trouble at all getting your sautéing spouse into these delightful duds:

"Mr. and Mrs. Styles, in which your husband can have as much fun as you! In fact, husbands think they are wonderful, appreciating particularly the “I’m in again” motto. The wife’s apron has waistline gathers, giving a soft flare. Both designs have pot holders that fit in the pockets.”

While ignoring the obvious "I'm in again" joke, I would like to suggest that these aprons would make a wonderful wedding gift for the sophisticated couple who isn't burdened by traditional gender roles.  If you know a woman who has her man p-whipped enough to get him in this adorable apron or a man so desperate to be loved that he'll don anything his sweetheart desires, then get stitching! As for my own personal gift giving, I already have a couple in mind....

Notice that the soft flare of the gathered waistline offers plenty of camouflage for a bulging belly.

 

"Jeepers, Skip! Do You Think My Head Looks Too Large For My Body?"

The young men pictured above are:

a)  Bobble-head children 

b)  A group of CBS News sportscasters with hideously small bodies

c)  Descendants of the Kennedy family

c) Proud members of the Future Used Car Salesmen of America (FUCSOA)

I'm Your Density

Kimberly: I think it's pretty clear what's happening here.  Obviously, these three young ladies have a little brother.  This brother traveled back in time in a DeLorean to prevent his mentor from being killed.  While he was back in time he interfered with his parents' first meeting.  If they don't meet, they won't fall in love, they won't get married, and they won't have kids. That's why his three older sisters are disappearing from this photograph. Unless, he repairs the damage, he'll be next.

Mary: Back in the 1950's it wasn't necessary to have a good head on your shoulders. Perky, pointy breasts and a tiny waspy waist were all that really mattered.

A Quick Little Poll

May I have your attention please?  Will the little boy destined to spend the majority of his adult life in therapy trying to come to terms with his confusion concerning sexual identity issues, most of which can be traced back to his mother's insistence on dressing him like Cindy Brady, please raise his hand?

Just as I suspected.  Thank you.

In Honor of the Future Federline....

Kimberly:  A pattern for Britney to work on as her belly swells beyond comprehension.  I tried to pick something realistic.  I mean, it's not like anyone's ever going to put shoes or a shirt on the poor little tot.

Mary:  Wait a second....are those UltraHigh© Waist diapers? Something looks vaguely familiar....

How long as Britney been pregnant with the Spawn of Federline anyway?  Judging from my calculations based on the previous pregnancy rumors I think Britney is somewhere in her eighth trimester.

A Return to Traditional Values

In the 1950s people were much more sensible than we are today.  They didn't go around wasting their money on frivolous and unnecessary items.  This type of "smart living" explains why they made their own canine winter coats and doggy rain gear.   Today we are much more careless with our resources, filling our dogs' closets with overpriced, low quality store bought canine couture.  Gone are the days when Mommy would make that special Christmas coat for Sparky, sewing each button on with love and pride.  We are distracted by our busy lives and are no longer willing to invest the time to knit those special beagle booties or that terrier toboggan to keep tiny ears warm.  When will we get our priorities in order?  Our furry friends deserve better.

Brrrr.

"Um....I don't know about you? But I am totally freezing my ass off here."