Threadbared

Bizarre Model Poses: A Threadbared Field Guide.

The "Menstrual Cramp"

The "Discreet Armpit Sniff Test"

The "Hey, What's That Over There?"

The "Why Yes, I Do Practice Yoga"

The "Ambiguous Sexual Orientation"

The "Waiting For The Mothership"

The "Oh No, Did I Forgot To Turn Off The Iron?" 

The "Bad News Coach...I Think I Pulled My Quadricep"

The "Oh My God, I Am Never Drinking Tequila Again"

Night Of The Flying Ponchos.

Hey Man, Anything You Can Wear I Can Wear Better. Like, I Can Wear Ponchos Much Better Than You.

In 1946 the smash hit musical Annie Get Your Gun opened on Broadway. Loosely based on the life of sharpshooter Annie Oakley, the show featured music and lyrics by Irving Berlin. The production opened on May 16, 1946 and ran through February 12, 1949, with a total of 1,147 performances.

In 1969 a new production opened off Broadway. Loosely based on the life of some freak chick named Ann, Annie Get Your Poncho featured "far out" music and lyrics by Jefferson Airplane. This mescaline-fueled production opened on May 17, 1969 and closed sometime around 3:00 pm on May 17, 1969, with a total of one performance.

Brenda's Friends Can't Help But Feel Intimidated Sometimes.

"Goodness! That Brenda sure is on the ball. I can barely leave the house with my shoes and handbag matching and here she's gone and coordinated her whole living room with the outfit she has on."

"I know! And she does it all with such effortless ease too!"

"Effortless ease - that's exactly what I was thinking! Now do you see why I never invite Brenda over for coffee at my house?"

And The Award For Best Art Directing In A Knitwear Catalog Goes To....

Pauline Denham.

Yes, her again. The Pauline Denham of Little Tops Fame.

Time after time Pauline continues to impress us with her choice of hairstyles, makeup, posing and most importantly...props. Oh, and themes too. Like me, Pauline is a gal who enjoys her themes.

Can you spot the theme of this booklet from the cover?

Take your eyes off the model's Cinnabon-inspired hairdo for a second and look down at the bottom left corner. "Fairy Tale Book."

Oh dear.

Ta-daaaaa!

It's your fairy godsomething!

"I get three wishes? Well, first I'd like to pose beside a large fake pumpkin while wearing a mohair suit...."

I think there's supposed to be something about the Three Little Bears here but the model is totally not having it.

Oh look! It's...Little Green Riding...no, that's not it.

It's...it's..Robin Hood?

The Green Lantern?

I'm so confused right now.

Is there some fairy tale I'm not remembering? About a woman who fell deeply in love with a tree branch and lived happily ever after?

Rapunzel, Rapunzel! Let down your...knitted coat with the enormously oversized buttons!

Once upon a time in a land far far away...Dr. Zaius chose a very special pattern model to help lead the revolution.

"And then one day the ugly rubber duckling turned into a beautiful latex swan....awww."

The End.

And I'm Putting That Derringer Toilet Paper Holder on My Christmas List

Got troublesome possums in your tater patch?  Does your Uncle Marvin show up univited to family dinners and get all handsy?  Does that little skank from down the road keep showing up and demanding her tupperware back?

Then what you need is a way to protect yourself.

But let me ask you this:  Do you also believe in the importance of an appropriately lit room? Do you have trouble reading without direct light? 

Then what you need, my friend, is a Rifle Lamp.  That's right.  A Rifle Lamp.  Combining the beauty of subtle illumination with the ability to blow a hole in Uncle Marvin's sorry behind, the Rifle Lamp is truly an asset to any modern home*.

And be sure to store it near the fireplace.  Ammunition and open flame always make for an exciting combination!

*Rifle Lamp can also be used as a backdrop for stiff, awkward seduction poses.

If Nautical Nonsense Be Something You Wish...PAUL-INE DEN-HAM!

Ahoy mateys!  What's that you say? You scurvy rats be craving more from The Big Book of Little Tops?

We are happy to grant that wish!

Here we have the back cover, which is not nearly as good as the front cover. Sure, she's leaning waaaay back which is sort of funny but not really funny. There's only so much we can say about a tilting sweater model. What this back cover really needs is a good hat. Or a bad hat.

Yes! It is so much better, am I right?

Of course the nautical nonsense doesn't end here. Let's take a peek at some of the little tops inside The Big Book Of Little Tops.

Hiya sailor. As you can tell by the desperation in my eyes I've been on this beach for such a long, long time. Just me with my knitted Little Top and some blond kid in an even Littler Top that matches my own. No, I don't know whose kid this is. Look at her, she's sure as hell not mine. She just keeps following me around and patting my shoulder and I don't have a blanket to sit on and there's all this sand that's gone up my shorts and frankly honey, I don't care if you do have scurvy. You're looking pretty damn good to me.

Of course, not every girl goes for these sailor types.

Some lusty ladies prefer to go one step further.

Just add a dab of cheap rum behind those ears and the Cap'n will be all too happy to show you his peg leg, if you know what we mean....

There's really not a lot to say about this Little Top except that I hear "Brick House" playing in my mind every time I look at it.

The lady's stacked and that's a fact, ain't holding nothing back...

Ah yes, The Albatross. Because frankly, nobody wants this thing hanging around their neck.

This one is called "Conch" because it's a little knitted shell top. Like a conch shell! Oh, that Pauline Denham...what a witty broad. Truly a woman after our own hearts.

Personally though, I think old Pauline missed out on a golden opportunity. I know something that would make this little ensemble even better...adding a little pizazz, a little va-va-voom....

Ah. Much better...

As a Bonus It Also Conceals That Hickey I Got From The Water Heater Guy

OK...so I have to go to this fancy pants party for my friend who is this amazing artist.  He draws ships.  He's like totally hitting the big time.  Last summer he did jobs for THREE Red Lobsters in Birmingham.  And I think he could really go global...like Joe's Crab Shack even, but he has some issues.  Like in July he got caught with a trunk full of Sudafed and the cops thought he was gonna make meth or something, but it turns out that he just has really bad sinus infections...you know the kind where the snot changes over from clear to this greenish-yellow color that looks just like that stuff that used to fall on Alister whenever he said "I don't know."  Anyway, the cops didn't believe him and he had to go to juvie.  I mean, he's 19, but the psychologist says he has the brain of a nine year old.  And not the nine year olds that play xbox and research their social science projects online.  More like the ones that eat their own boogers and chase the dog's tail. 

Anyway, I have to go to this party and I need a hat that will cover my whole head because I have scabies from my cousin's ferret...or her boyfriend.  I'm not sure.  But I don't want to detract from the see-through sweater that I bought to show off my dirty pillows.  So I was thinking of something casual and subtle.  A hat that says "I'm beautiful but also completely laid back and not at all superior and certainly not covered in the larvae of thousands of microscopic mites."  So anyway, here's what I came up with...

It's good, right?

With Apologies To The Lovin' Spoonful.

Hot town, summer in the city
Taco salad shell on my head, thought it looked pretty
Been down, isn't it a pity
Doesn't seem to be a mirror in the city

All around, people looking goofy
Why'd I put this on, did someone slip me a roofie

But at night anything flies
Put on pants with a 16-inch rise
Come-on come-on and stare at the sky
Despite the heat just give it a try

And babe, we can't always be witty
But we try, with this dumb little ditty
In the summer, in the city
In the summer, in the city....

The Walker Sisters Never Were Known For Their Enthusiasm.

"Finally Sister, our wedding day has arrived."

"Yes. It is our wedding day."

"And we will have our double wedding to the McFarland twins."

"Yes. The McFarland twins."

"What lucky girls are we."

"Yes. Indeed we are lucky."

"I am practically vibrating with excitement."

"I too am aquiver with ebullience."

"We are fortunate to have found the McFarland twins."

"Yes. It was serendipitous to have met them outside the Gas 'N Sip."

"Indeed it was."

"Indeed."

"We were also quite lucky to have found a tailor willing to make wedding gowns to fit our nine foot tall frames."

"Yes."

...I Fell On Some Ice And Was Later Thawed By Some Of Your "Pattern Manufacturers." Your World Frightens And Confuses Me.

It has been a firm policy here at Threadbared.com that we are against the callous mocking of young children.

We feel that such a low form of humor is wrong, wrong, wrong.

Wrong.

That said, when I recently looked at a certain child model in a certain knitwear booklet I had to put aside our policy and ask myself, "Where in the hell did they find these kids?

The boy on the right is no great shakes but it's the girl I find especially disturbing.

Maybe it's just the hair style but when I look at this photo I'm reminded of something. The late Phil Hartman was really pretty funny in those "Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer" sketches on Saturday Night Live.

Today's Threadbared Was Brought To You By The Letter "S"

"

S is for Slacker, who has not posted all week
S is Seagull, who eats fish with his...beak

S is for Silly, which this post might be
S is for just plain Senselessness, on which we can all agree

S is for Slapstick, which makes us all feel happy
S is for Saluki, a dog which is more graceful than it is scrappy

S is Sinking Ship, on which we feel we're on
S is for Julia Stiles, who gave birth to satan's spawn

S is for Sayonara, the weekend's almost here
S is for See You Suckers, I'm gonna go drink a beer

And Mary Maxim Won't Even Pay For The Therapy Bills.

What's that, Dr. Andrews? You think we should begin by talking about my childhood?  Wow. I really don't even know where to start. You see Doctor, I've spent my whole adult life thinking that I was plagued by a recuring nightmare. But, through intensive work with my last shrink, oh sorry, I forgot you don't like that word...with my last psychiatrist, I realized that the nightmares were actually repressed memories. You see, my parents had forced me into pattern modeling when I was only a small child.

Naturally, my nightmares would start with a clown. He held my hand and spoke of "miracle" yarns.

Next thing you know, I'm falling down a rabbit hole and there's a forty-five year old man in a bunny costume. He smells of menthol cigarettes and cheap whiskey. He asks us if we want to play "Carrot, Carrot, Who's Got The Carrot That I Might Have Stuck Down My Pants" but we just scream and run out of the room.

We race into the next room but there's a scarecrow dancing "the pony" while Chubby Checker plays in the background. Boogety, boogety, boogety, boogety shoo!

Then I encounter a "Mad Hatter"...and he's wearing the tackiest plaid pants I've ever seen. I try to act all casual and confident but I'm shaking on the inside.

After leaving the Mad Hatter I run right into a paper mache donkey who's been tarted up like a two-dollar whore. I don't know what the significance of this is but that donkey was wearing waaaay too much mascara.

I've almost made it out of the photographer's studio when I find the most startling horror of them - a fully grown man dressed up like a large cat. His voice is velvety smooth when he turns to me and says, "That's a nice cardigan." 

And that, Doctor, that's when I always wake up. And every time, every single time, I'm soaked with sweat and clutching a pair of knitting needles.

Sometimes We Just Have To Go With The Obvious Joke.

...So I was telling Tom about the size of these wieners, right? I got them at McGafferty Meat Market and I just couldn't believe them. I said to Tom, "You wouldn't believe the size of Mr. McGafferty's wieners! They're huge!" Sure they shrink up when they're cooked, but thank goodness they do or they wouldn't fit in the bun! I said to Tom, "I don't even know if I'll be able to get my mouth around one of those McGafferty wieners, they're just so big!"

And then Tom starts acting all agitated and saying things about what's wrong with Oscar Meyer and then he tells me how he can bench-press 200 lbs and did I know that he wore size 12 sneakers? And then there was something about the size of a wave and the motion in an ocean?

Frankly, Brenda I don't know what that was all about but now Tom's out shopping for a bright red sports car. And he told me he wasn't in the mood for wieners tonight after all. He wants hamburgers instead.

Carnaby Street Wannabe Seeks Same For Fun, Conversation And Hand-Knitting.

I Am: 

A fan of coloured tights, body paint and PVC garmets.

You Are:

Swinging cat with his own pad and an interest in acrylic knits.

Please no smokers. Kids okay. Dogs in matching sweaters a plus.

Who Knew That "You Know Who" Hung Out With Transvestites?

Despite the fact that she was bearing the ungodly visage of the Dark Lord under her kicky turban, Karen was able to find time for a little tennis and bird watching.

I've Installed Tiny Cameras in the Eye Holes So I Can Learn Her Habits (and Watch Her Change Clothes)

“This plan is sure to work.  I’ll just give Lois this life size photo of me as a gift.  She’ll hang it on her wall, if only to be polite.  Then slowly, but surely she will become comfortable with my likeness.  She will begin to feel at home with the poster and grow attached to it.  Eventually, these positive feelings for the poster will transfer over to the real me. She will enjoy being around me and will want to spend time with me. She will find me more attractive.  She will inevitably fall in love with me.  We will marry and have three children.  We will all live happily together until I am tragically killed at the age of 86 in a waterskiing accident.  She will never recover from my death and will not remarry.  Ours will be a love story that will inspire the nation, even the world!”

“Gary, this is not a life size photo of you.  It’s me, Bobby, your brother.  You’re just standing one step above me and holding a big piece of poster board up behind me.  What the hell is wrong with you?”

“Oh, Bobby.  Hi.  This is awkward.  Uh….how do you feel about spending some time hanging out over at Lois’ apartment?”

This Is What Happens When You Try To Run With The Tough Crowd.

Little Bobby was grateful for the onset of spring. The daffodils were in bloom, strawberries were coming into season and soon he would no longer have to endure his regular beatings from the Mittens Of Fury gang.

Why Don’t You Ever Wear That Rock Necklace I Gave You?

Nearly 6 years into their marriage, Ronald discovers that if the takes off his glasses and peers at Annabelle with his head turned South by Southeast as she faces Southwest while they stand in a room with 34 watt fluorescent overhead lighting that she almost looks like a young Wilma Flintstone. But with totally the wrong haircut.

In the end, it will be the only thing that keeps them together.

Apron: Strings Attached

"See, I made this special hand sewn apron to show my husband how dedicated I am to my homemaking duties and caring for him.  When he gets home I’ll say something clever like 'Look honey, my heart belongs to you.' "

"Oh!  Good idea.  Maybe I’ll say something like 'Look, Honey!  Come here and let me give you some sugar.'   Get it?  Sugar?  Candy?  The Candy Cane?  Ha ha ha."

"And I’ll say 'Look honey, there’s a big  man stuck in my chimney.' "

Knick Knack Paddy Whack

Alex's friends felt for him after Annabelle dumped him.  They really did.  And they were glad that he'd found someone to keep him company.  But when he started knitting his new gal sweaters and taking her to discos where he got her drunk and let her stick her tongue in his ear...well...let's just say it made some people uncomfortable.

Hai Ku Doing?

Boy with big head. Sad.

No one understands his pain

Or sells hats his size.

Oh, big noggin dork

Pom poms do you no favors.

Did you make that crap?

Look at the wee skulls

On those kids that just adore

The giant melon.

That one chick likes him.

Giving him the eye.  Oh Snap!

Will Big Head hook up?

She moons over him

“Big Head I know you’re the one!”

Does he feel the same?

Alas, no love.  No.

He plans instead to squash them,

Eat them both en croute.

His Dad Is Currently Arguing For The Orkan Chicken Evolution Theory To Receive Equal Coverage In Public Schools

I Think Her Lap Just Winked At Me.

Ladies, would you like to meet that “Special Fellow” but you’re just too darn shy to make the first move?

Have you ever started to approach a man but then when you finally said “Hello!” you were at a complete loss for what to say next?

Let’s say you’re standing alone at a wedding reception, where you’re a bridesmaid (AGAIN). You think the best man is really neat-o but you just can’t seem to make eye contact. Has this ever happened to you?

Does your mother sometimes have two glasses of Chardonnay too many, begin sighing repeatedly and asking “Don’t you ever want to get maaaaaaaried? What about my GRANDCHILDREN for crissake?”

Do you get where we’re going with this?

Well, DO YOU?

For godsakes, you don’t want to die ALONE, do you? 

In an apartment with two dozen cats and a freezer full of Lean Cuisine Chicken & Broccoli In A Lemon Butter Sauce?

WITH NO MAN?

NO MAN AT ALL!

EVER!

Dying Alone + Cats Eating Your Face Off Before the Neighbors Start To Detect The Odor Of Your Rotting Corpse + NO HUSBAND = Totally Pathetic And People Probably Won’t Even Come To Your Funeral Because It Will Just Be Too Damn Depressing.

LADIES!  DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU!

You don’t have to make the all-important “First Move” with this great new item from your friends at Threadbared.com. The Subliminal Smile Shift Dress™ takes care of it for you!

• It’s an ultra-chic little dress that’s perfect for any occasion.
• It comes in a variety of colors, from Basic Black to Rather Unbecoming Yellowish Beige.
• It’s a special dress….with a special message….for that special someone.
• It’s a dress that says “Hello. I am single. I want to hump you like an over-stimulated monkey.”

The Subliminal Smile Shift Dress™ is the only dress that features our patented Smiling Crotch™.

That’s right, ladies. ‘Cause When Your Crotch Smiles, The World Smiles With You.

Okay, well, maybe not THE WORLD. That’s an exaggeration…you know, for the slogan. But someone, a Special Someone, is bound to smile with you.

And your crotch.

Your subliminally smiling crotch.

Threadbared’s Subliminal Smile Shift Dress™ - The Only Dress That Makes The First Move….So You Don’t Have To.


* Results cannot be guaranteed with Subliminal Smile Shift Dress™ if the wearer is seated, holding hands in front of crotch or slouching in an extreme manner. Threadbared.com not liable for any unsavory weirdos that Subliminal Smile Shift Dress™ may attract.

Lord of the Bellbottoms.

It has been a rough three months on the island but finally the boys were beginning to adjust. Being the tallest boy and the only one on the island with shoes, Kevin had emerged as the leader, coaxing the others into doing things his way.

Timmy, though shunned at first for his small stature and elastic-waist pants, had become Kevin's righthand man. His loyalty was rewarded with pats on the head and extra helpings of seaweed at mealtimes. Kevin never liked to get his hands dirty, always sending Timmy to do the deed for him. Timmy was young and far too eager to please. Sometimes the boys worried just how far he would go.

Eric kept mostly to himself, spending the days fishing in the lagoon and the nights practicing his dance moves and combing his hair repeatedly.

Even Worse Than That Dream Where You Show Up Naked For Your Algebra Test and You HAVEN'T EVEN STUDIED FOR AN ALGEBRA TEST!

In pattern modeling there's many looks that can be demonstrated.

For example:

Vaguely Attractive Yet Inexplicably Dorky.

Smug For Absolutely No Reason.

Waiting For The Mothership To Land.

Completely Drunk And Making Passes At The Groom's Nephew.

And lastly there's......

 

Totally Horrified And Burning With Shame At the Realization That She Has Come To School Dressed Like This.

The 1968 Reunion.

Ah yes, never are the times so jolly as when the whole family gathers for fun, togetherness and the wearing of ugly-ass hats.

Frankfurter Fingered Friends Forever

Years later, medical science would discover that the Potted Possum Parts so often ingested during college hazing rituals could cause Ginormousheaditis, the inability to look straight ahead, a strange attraction to culotte onesies, and the rare condition known as hot dog fingers. 

But the girls of Delta Zeta already knew all that.  They found out the hard way.

So Proud To Live, So Proud To Die.

In the 1960s the United States was in a time of turbulence and negativism. Young people were chanting "Don't trust anyone over thirty!" and "Hell no, we won't go!"

But not everyone was against "the man" and soon a special group formed, people who sought to find a positive vehicle for young people to speak out to America and the world.

Searching for a theme to express their alternative to the negativism which surrounded them, they came up with the thought that "If there is anything they could be 'for' it is people." The phrase "Up With People!" became a song and conviction, and in 1968 is was the name of an organization that became a worldwide force for international education and relations.

The cheerful youngsters banded together to form "Sing Outs" , which spread like wildfire throughout the country. They carried their positive message from here to Timbuktu, spreading joy along the way.  To many, UWP was a light-hearted group with their heads up in the clouds. Little did they know of the dark times that had cast a shadow over the group's glowing message of universal love.

Following the success of tours in the Florida swamplands, the wild hills of Western Virginia and the golden grains of Iowa, UWP headed for the West, ready to entertain the "original" Americans with songs of their heartland. 

The unfortunately named "Up With Ponchos: Native America Sings!" tour began with a performance for the Lanahanee tribe on October 14th, 1969.  The remainder of the tour was canceled after the first night, due to an unfavorable response to the opening number - the classic "Cherokee People." Audience members booed loudly and pelted the disheartened performers with maize, dried berries and hunks of fermented beaver meat. The UWP singers left the reservation that night, saddened that they had not been able to share their positive message with the country's Native People. 

Another Night At the Kitty Kat Krochet Klub.

"...Well, to be honest I'm only dancing here to put myself through school. Yeah, I'm studying to be a...um...a Children's Speech Pathologist. Yeah. I really want to make a difference in the world. So this is just temporary, just so I can afford school and all because school is really really expensive.

We're all like that actually...see the triplets over there? Amber, Alexa and Ana are all going to be kindergarten teachers, they are all soooo smart and really sweet. They don't even have boyfriends, they just come here to work and then go home and study every night.

Tiffani over there in the yellow outfit?  Yeah, I guess she is pretty flexible. She's studying to be a paralegal. She used to work at the mall at one of those Hot Dog on a Stick places but she just couldn't make ends meet. Her mother is really sick and had to have some big operation last winter, Tiffani's just here so she can make enough to cover the medical bills. She has such a big heart.

Huh? The blonde over in the corner? Taking off the blue outfit?  Oh god. That's Chantal. Yeah, she's just a whore. Don't even waste your time talking to her...she's not educated or sophisticated enough for a man like you.

Mmmm...that's right, a big smart guy like you. You're cute, you know that?  I mean it! You're really cute, really smart. I think you're sweet. Now...about that table dance. You wanna unravel my hotpants and get things started?"

Who Wears Short Shorts?

   

Disturbing Lyrics Brought to You by Barnes & Barnes, Circa 1982

Kid heads kid heads

Roly poly kid heads

Kid heads kid heads

Eat them up

Yum

In the morning laughing happy kid heads

In the evening floating in the soup

Ask a kid head anything you want to

They won't answer they can't talk

I took a kid head out to see a movie

Didn't have to pay to get it in

They can't play baseball they don't wear sweaters

They're not good dancers they don't play drums

Roly poly kid heads are never seen

Drinking cappuccino in Italian restaurants

with Oriental women

Yeah.

One Of These Things Is Not Like The Others.

Recently, I was flipping through the pages of a "Knitwear For Infants" booklet and noticed something rather peculiar. While most of the children are certainly cute (though some are a bit large for babies, what were they feeding them back in the 60s?) there was one particular child that stood out from the others.

Let's take a look, shall we?

Cute.

Cute.

Cute.

Cute.

Cute.

Um.

Er.

Uh......exactly what is going on here?

Is it a.....

Victim of its own mother's overzealous crocheting habits?

Hideously disfigured Elephant Man baby?

Misfortunate child of extremist Ku Klux Klan members?   

Hmmm. It is quite a conundrum, isn't it? Still, one can't help but admire the handiwork that went into the detailed lacy edging. Nice, very nice.....

Fate by Fanny Pack

John breaks it to Shelly that he's not just an attractive man who makes bold sweater choices and favors chamomile tea whom she met at the Single and Saved Sock Hop down at the Baptist Church.  He's actually a messenger from the future.  He was sent here from the year 2020 to save Earth from destruction by the aliens of Planet Panache.  This highly evolved and very fashionable species will be faced with a critical choice: to befriend Earth and share Planet Panache's cashmere resources and advanced comfortable stiletto technology or to kill all humans and take whatever Prada bags and Manolos they can salvage.  In the end, it will be the inability of human society to ever rid itself of the Fanny Pack that will sway the vote of the High Priestesses of Panache.  They decide that humans just aren't worthy.  And so, as destruction commences, John is sent back in a last ditch effort to prevent the invention of the dreaded Waist Wallet.  Shelly is shocked.  She feels betrayed, confused, frightened.  Still, she makes out with him anyway.

I'll Be Out of the Bathroom in a Second, Mom

Ever since our brief visit to the Future Planet of the Humanzees   I have become increasingly convinced that we need to christen a new category of pattern art: Pattern Erotica  It seems that some of our much beloved pattern artists and photographers have used their craft to express their...uh...longings.    Sure it started off innocently enough....

OK, this is pretty standard lusting after teenagers, Kelly Kapowksi, I can't wait until Mary Kate and Ashley turn 18 kinda stuff.  Short shorts and knee socks on girls who clearly like to have a good time.  Nuff said.

And then we have these lovely halter gowns...

This has more of a "this one time when I was delivering pizzas, I got this call for a house over on St. Andrews.  I rang the doorbell and these three girls answered.  They didn't have enough cash for the pizza, so I told them we could work something out" kinda vibe.  But I mean, really, when three girls prance around with an "EASY" sign over their heads, who can blame him?

And then there's this:

WHAM!  BAM!  BOOBIES!!  Here we have the "Kitten" pattern.  I'm not sure who their target market is, but I'm pretty sure my husband would buy this pattern and he couldn't knit if his baseball card collection depended on it.

From here, things get a little more serious...

It boggles my mind to attempt to fathom how many thousands of teenage boys locked themselves in the bathroom with this particular pattern design which they stole from their mothers' combination sewing machine bench/ pattern storage unit.  But, really, after the parents hide all the Sears catalogs, what's a boy to do?

As with any art genre, Pattern Erotica will have its misfits...the misunderstood...the underappreciated:

You know...like the ones into riding crops and women who really like discipline but dislike soiling their hands.

And finally, we have this gem:

I have a vague suspicion that this is supposed to be sexy.  There's a sunny blonde with long flowing hair.  Her pants are tight, her legs are spread, her expression is intense.  But, uh, what's with the starfish?  Is she about to fling it at someone, Chinese star style?  Is it her beloved (albeit dead) pet?  Because God forbid me to question the love between a woman and a starfish.

So, for those of you who can't afford erotic materials or those of you who can't conceal such materials from your grandmother whom you are living with for a short time until you can "get back on your feet," now you know that there is a whole new suggestive world of pattern art awaiting you!

 

The Ultimate Afghan Solution

I am so super pissed.  All this time I thought happiness was dependent on family, or love, or a successful career, or perfect hair, or good health, or self tanner that actually looks natural, or a Banana Republic clearance sale, or just learning to be content with what you have (O.K., I never bought that last one, but I've heard a lot of people say it).  Now I find out that happiness is a brunswick afghan?  Why the hell didn't someone tell me?  Now I'm just some unhappy idiot with a closet full of frizz control products and streaky legs.  You'd think someone would have mentioned it.  I mean she does look happy.  Heck, she looks downright blissful!

I will never forgive Dr. Phil for this omission.  NEVER.

Dynamite Dress

Kimberly: "I like your sleeves.  They're real big."

Mary: "Yeah, that dress looks pretty sweet. It looks awesome. That dress, it's... it's incredible."

Planet of the Humanzees

Hector smiled to himself as he watched Michael take the mind control marshmallow gently into his mouth.  Michael was only the first, the first of many.  Diana was coming along nicely.  She had proven to be the perfect lure for unsuspecting men clad in curiously feminine sweaters from the Continental Hand Knit Pattern Collection.  Soon Hector would have hundreds of turtleneck wearing men under his control.  With these men and his Panamanian banana connection, he would create a super race of human chimpanzee hybrids.  Then no one could stop him. 

Hector and his humanzees would rule the world!

MWAAAA HAAAA HAAA HAAA HA

Nîmen Hâo Elaine! Oh, arigato Betty!

Everyone in the Ladies Auxiliary had embraced the newly popular "Far East" trend. Lacquered jewelry and cheongsam dresses were all the rage, cocktail parties often featured din sum and everyone on the Garden Committee went crazy over those cute little bonsai trees. But that damn Marilyn always had to take things too far.

The day she showed up at the garden luncheon wearing her new hat there was a good bit of eye-rolling. But when she bowed before the Social Chairman and began to address the group as the "Radies of the Auxirialy", well, that was just plain offensive.

Some people never know when to quit.

Just Nubbins Now

Excuse me, m'am....sir.  Excuse me.  Yes, you.  Hi.  Hi there.  I was wondering...you see, I think I may be in a bit of a jam here.  It's just that, well, I can't seem to feel my fingers...or my toes.  Hell, I can't even bend my knees.  It also seems that I can't turn my head at all.  The hairy chested man with the camera that keeps chatting up my mom says to keep smiling.  I'm doing the best I can, but frankly I'm a little concerned.  Since I can't look down, I was wondering, could you tell me: do I still HAVE fingers and toes?  I mean are they missing or just numb? 

What?  What was that?  I look like an idiot in this stupid red suit?  Is that what you said?  Look asshole, I didn't ASK you for your opinion.  I simply asked you to verify the existence of my appendages.  Why do you have to get all snarky?  It's not like I chose this outfit, you moron.  But a kid's gotta make a living.  My mom's in between meal tickets right now and ever since that f@%ing babyface Artie stole the Gerber campaign, I've had to lower my standards a bit.  Besides, can't you read?  I am "Baby of the Year."  Baby of the YEAR, man.  Don't you get that? 

What?  I look like a what?  A giant inflamed whitehead?  Look, jackass, as soon as I find my hands I'm gonna show you EXACTLY which finger is my favorite.

Wow. This.....Is Awkward.

Sheila and Lisa were both mortified to discover they'd worn the exact same knitted skirt to the Freshman Mixer. But while Shelia had accentuated her outfit with a simple slim turtleneck and wide belt, Lisa had taken things a bit too far with the matching knit vest and a black shoestring tied around her head. Come on, who was she trying to kid? 

They faced off uncomfortably in the dorm's foyer. Lisa tried to lighten the moment by breaking into her best "Funky Chicken" but stoic Shelia merely stared, placing her hand on her hip and tapping her foot with boredom. Lisa pulled out all the stops and went into an enthusiastic “Advanced Chicken”, scratching her foot on the carpet and clucking loudly. It was painful to watch but a crowd gathered nonetheless and Lisa soon disappeared into the night, flapping her arms while hot tears rolled down her face.

Undaunted, Shelia smoothed down the front of her McCall’s knit skirt and joined the kids inside for a few keg stands.

Cookie Combat

"Look, you heard the photographer.  Just eat your damn cookie."
"You eat your cookie.  I don't even know where these things came from.  Besides, I know what you're trying to pull."
"What are you talking about?  He said eat the cookie.  Now, EAT IT."
"It's bad enough that you got to the photo shoot first and took the blue sweater. I look like a complete idiot because my sweater exactly matches my hair.  Now, you're trying to fatten me up too?"
"Fatten you up?  Me?  I believe somebody beat me to the punch on that one.  And it's not my fault you died your hair the color of orange sherbet."
"You are such a total bitch.  Everyone hates you."
"Everyone except your boyfriend."
"Oh, I will SO cut you."
"Bring it on, carrot top. Bring it on."

Homosexuality 101

Everyone's gotta learn somehow.

Okay Joan, You Stand Over There and We Promise We'll Be Right Back.

Mary:  I'm thinking the girl on the left is their awkward cousin Joan, visiting all the way from Boise, Idaho. She loves the Lennon Sisters, Donny Osmond, clip-on earrings and the color plaid, which, actually, is not a color, Joan. The girls are mortified to be seen around town with her but are trying to act nonchalant. Note the evil one in red, casually twirling her hair while secretly preparing to trip poor unsuspecting Joan, who wore her best and loudest suit for the occasion and is just darn thrilled to be here.

Alternately, my first high school boyfriend has gone back in time to the 60's and is trying his hand at drag. Yes, his legs really were that skinny. Shut up.

Kimberly:  Jenkies!  I had no idea Velma had such long, luxurious legs under those orange knee-highs.  She’s lost a few too.  I’m telling you, that Jenny Craig shit is amazing.  Just look at her before picture...

Mary:  Why does Velma look so damn smug here?  She has a look in her eyes like she just secretly sold Daphne into white slavery and will soon have Fred all to herself.  Also, Shaggy - check your hand placement!  Getting a little too close to the goods, I think.

Kimberly:  Shaggy?  Check out Fred.  He's already going for it.

For That Linebacker Look

I can't tell you how many times, while getting ready for a special night out, I have looked in the mirror and thought "Wow.  My neck is far too slender.  That whole graceful Nicole Kidman swan neck thing is so early zero's.  The thick, no neck look is all the rage.  Why can't I look more like NFL hero Derrick Brooks ?  Why, oh, why am I cursed with this threadlike throat?"

Well, search no more swan necked sufferers...your dress is here.

P.S.  I totally don't know the names of any professional football players.  I had to look one up at NFL.com.

Get Over Yourself.

For crissake Brenda, yes, we both know you have a teeny tiny waist!  Give it a rest for a while....

Socialite Spite

Midge didn't care how nice they pretended to be, she knew those Junior League bitches had been jealous ever since her mad scientist husband gave her Mini-Midge for Christmas.

The High School Line-Up

                                  click image to enlarge

Cute Outfit, Bad Boy

When all was said and done, Tommy would serve 2 years in a juvenile detention center for tying a balloon to his twin Katy's hairbow and floating her to somewhere in Northern Alabama.

Beyond Flattering In Every Way.

Looking for a stylish alternative to jeans this summer? Feeling self-conscious that your figure isn't quite right for all the "low-rider" styles that the young people wear these days?

Look no further!

MomCapris™ are a fun way to have the hot "retro" style without sacrificing comfort! The patented UltraHigh© Waist keeps things chaste from the waist down, whether you prefer your waist directly under your armpits or hitting the middle of your ribcage - the great thing about the UltraHigh© Waist is that it’s adjustable!

MomCapris™ also feature a built-in “pooch” in the front. Whether you’ve gained belly weight or just want to look like you have, the special “pooch” will prominently feature your belly – no matter how large or small it is!

Special seams along the hips help “pad things out” for the look of a fuller figure. No need to worry about womanly curves with MomCapris™, the seams take care of it for you! Even if you don’t have large hips you will when you put these pants on! And what man does love a gal with large womanly hips?!

MomCapris™ are stain-resistant so they’re perfect for doing chores around the home. But tuck in your shirt and add some pearls and lipstick and voila - MomCapris™ are ready to hit the town!  Why would you want to wear anything else?

Class Superlatives

With her kicky new suspenders and darling hairstyle, Wendy was a shoe-in for "least likely to get felt up by a cute boy behind the cafeteria at summer camp."

What the....?

"I agree, Todd.  It was swell of Bruce to invite us to his sleepover,
but what the heck do you think he's planning to do with that golf club?"

On The Way To School.....

Moments later they were all taken in a back alley and savagely beaten....