Threadbared

There's A Reason Why The Word "Macrame" Rhymes With "Scare Away."

Here at Threadbared, we're all for creativity when it comes to macrame. The medium naturally lends itself to artistic expression.

But!

Sometimes things can get a bit out of hand. We're not saying you have to stick with safety projects such as owls and plant-hangers. We just suggest that you exercise caution in your knotting pursuits. You don't want to induce nightmares or frighten schoolchildren, do you? Of course not!

And so we present:  The Threadbared Guide To Macrame Safety!

Tip 1:  Please avoid any High Priestess-style headdresses that resemble something from The Dark Crystal, possibly making you look like the Dying Emperor of the Skeksis.

Tip 2: Please avoid  macrame footwear that looks like a page torn from a "Diseases Of The Skin" medical textbook.

Tip 3:  Please avoid that whole chainmail-clad warrior-slash-beekeeper look. 

Tip 4:  Please avoid any "head veils" that look less like a veil and more like a group of teenage cooties that are on an Outward Bound excursion and are currently rappelling down the back of your head.

Tip 5:  Please avoid any backpacks that look like some Phish-worshiping hippie spontaneously combusted across your shoulders and you just left it there.

Tip 6:  Please avoid any National Geographic/African Village style bras that make you....oh, for God's sake. Do we even have to explain this one?

Just no.

Just don't, okay?

My Hands Are Already Tired and I Haven't Even Gotten to the Fat Pants Section

I'm totally digging this idea of using the magic of needlepoint to clearly define each item of clothing in one's closet.  I mean, sure it could be time consuming to needlepoint a closet full of hangers, but take a look at that hanger at the top.  What do you think hangs on that hanger?  Is it Aunt Betty's bingo skirt?  Is it the whore dress that makes Grandma sweat over her rosary every time Janet wears it to Whiskey River?  Is it Mom's mom jeans?  No, clearly it's Adam's Coat.

This clarity of closet inspired me to work on some hangers for my own stuff. Here's what I have so far:

The Hills Are Alive...With My Knitted Ponchoooooo...

Some days I wish I could have the kind of blind optimism this model seems to posses. The ability to just toss your woes aside and be completely carefree. I'd like to be up on that hilltop, all slaphappy and untroubled...whirling my arms about, my poncho flying in a freewheeling fashion.  I'd like to experience this model's exhilaration...I want to have her joyous view of the world through rose-colored glasses.

Or I'd like to obtain the drugs that she must be on. That would also be nice.

Lose Weight. Stop Smoking. End Relationship With Bland, Anatomically Incorrect Boyfriend Of 46 Years

Hey yall!

It's your old friend Barbie, remember me? It's been so long since I was last featured on Threadbared I thought I'd pop in to wish everyone a Happy New Year!

New Year's is just one of my favorite times, you know? A chance to start all over again, fresh beginnings. While Ken and I were jogging this morning I got to thinking about my plans for 2007. I'm going to be a Whole New Barbie. I mean, I'm a flexible sort of gal. In any given year I change occupations, hobbies, hair color, eye color and even ethnicities at least three dozen times. I can roll with the changes, you know? But this year is going to be different and not just in a "now I'm a redheaded astronaut" sort of way. 2007 is going to be the year that I get my head in order.

And in order to do this, I'll need to make a few New Year's resolutions...

Resolution #1

STOP OBSESSING OVER KEN.

Threadbared readers, do you realize that Ken and I have been dating since 1961? That's right, FORTY-SIX YEARS of dating. I'm starting to think Ken might be a bit of a commitment-phobe. I keep buying wedding dresses but Ken never marries me. It's time to move on.

Resolution #2

Spend more time with my girlfriends, engaging in Winter Fun. Nice, frosty Winter Fun...that'll keep my mind off Ken.

Resolution # 3

Stop dressing to please Ken. There's no point. Last December I spent days creating the perfect fantasy Snow Gown for the 2006 Snow Ball. And did that jerk Ken appreciate my handiwork one bit? No. He kept cracking himself up all night referring to me as "Snow Goon" in front of Midge and Christie and  everybody!

Resolution # 4

Spend more time on my crafting. I really should finish that afghan to go on Grandma's Feather Bed. Because that's what spinsters do, right? Lie under a homemade afghan and cry themselves to sleep, all ALONE in their grandma's old bed?

Resolution # 5

Treat myself to a beautifully-set table each night. Just because I'm DINING SOLO doesn't mean that I have to eat my Lean Cuisine Tuscan Chicken out of the plastic tray while standing in the kitchen.

Resolution # 6

Finally get in touch with my ancestry. Where did I come from anyway? I've always felt envious of other people's cultural roots. I just feel so white bread and...I don't know...plastic in comparison. Even Ken got to celebrate his lineage last fall when he found out he was 1/18th Native American Indian. It's just so unfair.

Resolution # 7

Put more thought into my wardrobe. Even if I'm not dressing to please a man I still need to please myself. I always feel my best when I'm put together in a Snappy Twosome.

Resolution # 8

When summer rolls around this year I'm going to take the time to enjoy Fun In The Sun. I mean, why not? I deserve it! But this year I vow to be mindful of the sun's harmful rays and their potential damage. A girl must preserve her youth after all! Does anyone know how to crochet a bottle of SPF 45?

Resolution # 9

Speaking of Fun In The Sun, I plan to spend more time in general enjoying the great outdoors. Who says a canoe built for two can't work just as well for one?

Resolution # 10

NO MORE WEDDING PARAPHERNALIA. And this time I really mean it. I will purchase no more gowns, no more veils. The wedding cake table and tablecloth are going straight to the Salvation Army. And surely somebody can get good use out of the tuxedo I crocheted for Ken.

Resolution #11

Who am I kidding here? It's only lunchtime on January 2nd and I've already broken half of these resolutions. Who needs resolutions anyway? New Year's is for chumps! We are who we are! Why try to change? Ken, I'll wait another 46 years if I have to! I'll do whatever you want! I can be whatever you want! A blond paleontologist? A brunette professional ice skater? You want a redheaded flight attendant? A pediatrician? A WNBA basketball player? Ken! Come back to me baby! Kenny!!!! Where are you going my loooooooveeeeer?!?! KENNNNNNN!!!!!!

(Edit: Wow. Kimberly and I both apologize for the unprofessional nature of this post. We were under the impression that Barbie had been undergoing extensive amounts of therapy since her last appearance on Threadbared in 2005. She promised us that everything was under control. What can we say? We got lazy and figured she could handle the first post of 2007. We won't be making that mistake again. We do wish all of our readers a happy New Year and hope that this incident will not negatively affect readership in the coming year. Thank you. - Threadbared Management)

Ho Ho No.

Well, it's officially the holiday season now and time for me to dust off my copy of Better Homes and Gardens Holiday Decorations That You Can Make, filled with over 300 projects to give your home that holiday spirit and make your family and friends think they've taken the time tunnel back to 1974.

   

Truth be told, a lot of the projects in the book are pretty dang cute. The stockings pictured above? Adorable. The Christmas slogan banner? Quite cheerful.

The "Tabletop Magic" chapter, well...that's where things start to go a bit off. "Over 300 projects"...that's an awful lot  of projects. Maybe the editors were overreaching a little bit...maybe it would have been better to stop at say, 285 projects....298 projects even.

The Tabletop Angels shown here actually aren't bad and a few sets of googly eyes, well, that would just make all the difference in the world. Isn't everything better with googly eyes? But then, perhaps the Tabletop Angels are Amish?

The Expanded Aluminum Extravaganza seems quite a liberal use of the term "Extravaganza" but sure, whatever. Tonight Only: the Expanded! Aluminum! EXTRAVAGANZA!!! With special guest star, Scotch Plaid Loveseat!

Now here, here is where Better Homes & Gardens starts to lose me.

This? I am sorry but two oven mitts with candles behind them do not a table-topper make. I mean come on, even Kimberly and I could do better than that.

See?

And it wasn't even that hard! Get with the program Better Homes & Gardens...

Of course we've saved the best for last. Yes, here's a really special number uniting kitchen utility objects with religious iconography....it's the Kitchen Grater/Madonna Shrine!

Two things that should never even be used in the same sentence - "Kitchen Grater" and "Madonna." 

Well, unless that sentence is: "So I pulled out my kitchen grater to start fixing the cheese for our enchiladas and that new Madonna song came on the radio. Who is she trying to kid with that pseudo British crap anyway?"

Hide-and-Go-Stink

It had been one week since the annual Thompson Thanksgiving hide-and-seek game and still no one had found Grannie's hiding place.

Behind The Scenes At The "Novelties And Things" Brainstorming Session.

Novelties and Things...well, hmmm. I don't know...it just sounds sort of vague, you know that I mean guys? What else have you got?

Novelties and Stuff? That sounds too...too casual. Yeah, that's the right word. Causal.

Novelties and Junk? That's even worse than "stuff." That almost sounds like it's, you know....a bunch of worthless objects.

What's that? I'm not going to like the next idea then? Nah, come on! Let's give it a shot....go ahead and show me the next concept.

Oh.

Well, that's it...we're just going to have to stick with the first title. "Novelties and Things!" It sounds sort of fun....people like novelties. And...things.

Okay, what's the first item in the booklet?

A whisk cover, eh? Now would this be a novelty or a thing? I'm thinking it's a...novelty? Is that right? What's the next one?

Um...that looks like another novelty? Let's go with "novelty" for this one.

Next!

What the...?

This is in the booklet? Seriously?

Okay, I wasn't so sure about the first two but this? This is definitely a "thing."

Wait Til You See the Love Poem I Wrote on My Thighs With a Sharpie

Wow.  I can't believe tonight is the night.  I mean you hardly even talked to me until rush started last week.  I didn't even think you liked me.  I mean you guys do call me Nancy Tubbypants Notachance.  But I'm crazy about you and we're together now sort of and I just know that tonight will be super special.

OK, so I wait in the common room downstairs, right?  Naked.  Nothing but that hot pink afghan.  Set the scene a little.  Bring whipped cream.  Got it.  Maybe I can bring over a couple of ferns from the Beta Club office.  And I'll curl my hair up really pretty for you.  And you said I should lock my clothes in your room, right, so they'll be safe?  No problem.

I know you guys usually have parties at the house on Saturday nights, but you're totally positive that all of your fraternity brothers are going to the Vortex for drinks after the game and not back to the fraternity house?  I mean, I know the flyers around campus say something about Shame Night, but you said plans had changed, right?

OK.  Awesome.  See you tonight, Tiger.

Ah, poodle novelties! Why have your toilet paper roll, teapot or seltzer bottle out in plain sight when they can be oh-so-cleverly disguised as overstuffed poodles?

Speaking of overstuffed, is anyone else reminded of Mr. Creosote from Monty Python's The Meaning of Life?  This poor fella looks like he's ready to explode.

...And finally, Monsieur Poodle Novelty Who Is Cleverly Disguising A Teapot, we have a waaafer thin tea-bag for you.

Mr. Poodle Novelty:  No.

Oh sir! It's only a tiny little thin tea-bag.

Mr. Poodle Novelty:  No. F*ck off - I'm full... (belches)

Oh sir... but it is only waaafer thin.

Mr. Poodle Novelty: Look - I couldn't hold another thing. I'm absolutely stuffed with tea-bags. Bugger off.

Oh sir, just... just one...

Mr. Poodle Novelty: Oh, all right. Just the one.

And I think we all know what happens. Next thing you know, you're wiping down the Darjeeling-soaked walls of your kitchen and picking up shards of teapot and lumps of wool.

He Sees You When You're Peeing. He Knows When You're Stopped Up.

Too often our bathrooms are places shrouded in mystery.  Places of potties and puzzlement, they offer many questions, but no answers.  Well, fret no more little shower time truth seekers.  Sam the Super Sleuth is here.  100% detective all the way to his lovingly crocheted core, Sam will perch upon his tank-top post in a state of constant vigilance so that he may answer the bathroom questions that keep you up at night.  Questions such as...

What is this rash and where did it come from?

Why is Charmin so linty?

Dear God, the smell.  What has Uncle Jerry been eating?

Is that pepper or a dead bug stuck in my toothbrush?

How long has that hair been growing out of my chin?

Who the hell put the new roll of toilet paper next to the holder instead of on it?

Should I lay off the guacamole?

and finally...

Why didn't someone tell me that Sam the Super Sleuth was made of yarn so fume absorbent that after just one week we'd change his name to Sam the Stool Sample?

Being Both Patriotic And Women Of The South, This Is Exactly What Kimberly And I Will Be Wearing Today.

Happy July 4th everyone!

Remember, every year thousands of accidents occur due to crocheting while also holding sparklers in your teeth.

Yes, it's festive but it's also quite dangerous. Don't say we didn't warn you.

'Cause I Got A Peaceful, Easy Feeling...

Times are hard these days. There's war and pollution and political unrest and really bad movies starring Adam Sandler. Sometimes you just need to take a break. A break for a little quiet, a little peace.

Sometimes you just want to sit in your wood-paneled den and gaze upon two white ceramic angels with gold-painted wings. And what makes that experience even better?

A hanging macrame planter, that's what.

Macrame planter + angels sitting on plate glass + wood paneling = Peace.

If You Quilt It, Spot Will Come...Back

Presenting the most inefficient way to search for your lost pet ever!

Threadbared: Super Sounds Of The Sixties.

Spoonin'...on a Sunday afternoon
Really couldn't get away too soon
I can't imagine anything that's better
The world is ours whenever we're together
There ain't a place I'd like to be instead of

Spoonin'...down a crowded avenue
Spoonin'...anything we like to do
There's always lots of things that we can see
You can be anyone we like to be
All those happy people we could meet
Just spoonin'....on a Sunday afternoon
Really, couldn't get away too soon
We'll keep on spending sunny days this way
We're gonna talk and laugh our time away
I feel it coming closer day by day
Life would be ecstasy, you and me endlessly

Spoonin'...on a Sunday afternoon
Really couldn't get away to soon
No, No, No, No
Spoonin'...
Spoonin'...

Just Like Real Racists!

Look!  Dolls!  Just like real babies!  You know, real babies.  In the real world.  Where the white kids get to frolic around in their Sunday best and matching hair bows while the poor little African American kid wears nothing but a soggy diaper and spends all day just looking for a hug.

Fantasizing Is A Perfectly Healthy And Normal Activity.

      

Two examples of "Fantasy Crochet" from a mid-70s crochet book.

In the first, I fantasize that a large crochet bird has is flying overhead and has just shat upon an innocent bystander. The women stands calmly, waiting for the bus that will take her home. She will take a shower to wash the droppings off and then she will have a pudding cup and watch a rerun of "Matlock."

In the second - I fantasize a sort of "Buffalo Bill" type scenario...the victim trapped in basement well while her captor forces her to don his original crocheted creations. She cries and pleads for mercy but he won't relent.

"It puts the crochet on its skin or else it gets the hook again."

"Yes, it will, Precious, won't it? It will get the hook!"

Pantyhose Craft Week Part V: The Dramatic Conclusion

WHAT IS UP WITH THE NAKED PANTYHOSE DOLLS?

And people, this is only a brief sampling of what’s available out there in terms of pantyhose nudes. Yes, we realize that using pantyhose as a medium naturally lends itself to flesh-toned projects but still…..ugh.

Could we at least make the dolls more attractive? Or maybe stitch up little pantyhose underwear for them…..

Wrap a pantyhose towel around their bare pantyhose bodies?

Cover up with little pantyhose robes?   

Last but not least, we have a life-sized pantyhose “companion doll.” And yes, that really is as sad as it sounds.

She’s fully clothed, thank god, but disturbing nonetheless. Even more frightening is the book’s description of her as “a good listener and a steady companion.”

Okaaaaaaay.

Hey, who are we to judge? The doll could have a great personality for all we know. And if not, well….at least she has an enormous set of knockers.

Pantyhose Craft Week: Part IV

Used pantyhose can also make great dolls. Especially if your children aren’t that particular. 

Who needs Cabbage Patch Kids when you can have…um…Pantyhose Face Kids?

Of course, not all dolls are for children. If you know what we mean…..

Some dolls are for adults.

Very disturbed adults.

Pantyhose Craft Week: Part III

There are dozens of projects combining pantyhose and mirrors…. usually with suggestions that these objects “make great gifts!”

For who, we ask?

Blind people who don’t need mirrors?

It was also proposed that you can personalize “portrait mirrors” for friends…. creating little pantyhose faces in their own likenesses.

To which we have to ask another question:

These people have friends?

Oh, right. The blind. Blind friends come in very handy when one wants to pass out homemade pantyhose portrait mirrors for gifts.

Wait though…blind people still have a sense of touch. They could still feel the mirror, then turn to their friend, the pantyhose crafter:

“What is this…it feels like…hmmm…a face? Is it a face?”

“Yes! It’s your face! I made your likeness out of used pantyhose! Isn’t it fun?!”

And then the awkward silence that follows…

Pantyhose Craft Week: Part II

For those who travel a lot or have a “black thumb” – it’s…. a Fantasy Fern!

Later, you can gaze at the fern and fantasize about getting back all the hours you spend dying your old stockings green and making a stupid Fantasy Fern.

Oh, but it’s not all room dividers and faux houseplants…. you can also use your old nylons to create a vibrant pantyhose quilt.

So colorful!

So unusual!

A perfect gift for your good friend Frank…. you know, the one with a pantyhose fetish?

It's Pantyhose Craft Week On Threadbared.com!

Do you find yourself accumulating heaps and heaps of used pantyhose?  Nylons ruined with holes and runs? Stockings that turned out to be the wrong color or size?  Do you find yourself thinking, “I wish that there was some use for all these discarded pantyhose”?

No? 

Okay, let’s pretend that you DO keep a large collection of ruined hose and that you ALSO wish that you knew of some fun projects with which to use said pantyhose.  Yes?  Can we pretend this?

Well then, worry no more because Threadbared is here to help with dozens of useless uses for those natty nylons!

First off, did you know that used pantyhose can make surprisingly creative room dividers?

Yes!  It’s true!

Above, we have a room divider made with stretched colored nylons and craft hoops. Isn’t it groovy? It looks just like a store-bought divider, doesn’t it?

And below – a simple divider made with knotted pantyhose and golf balls. And wow, it looks just like…...knotted pantyhose with golf balls, doesn’t it?

Hey, some people like pantyhose.

Some people like golf.

It’s the best of both worlds!

Getting Ready For Her Close-Up.

Say there Johnny, take a look at that hanging macramé planter!

Look at it! I mean, really take a look at ‘er!  That hanging planter has got charisma!  It’s got moxie! That hanging planter could really BE somebody! I see that planter making it big in the pictures! BIG, I tell ya!

We’ll take her to Hollywood, give ‘er a makeover! Sure, she’s a little rough around the edges but that’s part of the charm, part of that CHARISMA!  This hanging planter, she’s gonna go places, she’s gonna be a star, a big big STAR!

And You Better Find Some Mittens For The Bacon While You're At It.

Once fall rolls around there's that nice nip in the air. You find yourself slipping a sweater over that t-shirt....later; you're not letting the kids out of the house without a jacket. You've started letting the cats sleep in the garage at night, no matter how much your husband complains. By November the thermostat is cranked up at all times, power bills be damned, you've got to do what you can to stay warm. Certainly we can all use a little extra comfort this time of year.

Which brings us to an important question:

Have you thought about your hard-boiled eggs?

Macramé? Oh, Just A Sip, Thanks.

And here we have a little 1976 booklet that takes a look at fourteen unique macramé planters. “Fourteen different styles!” you may be exclaiming, “Why, I could never master that many different knots!”

To head this worry off at the pass, the booklet’s authors reassure you right at the beginning with this simple declaration: “It’s not how many knots you know, but how you use your basic knots.”

Feel better?

Now, we’re ready to take a closer look at “A Sip of Macramé.” You’ll notice right off the bat that the booklet features such project names as Sloe Gin Fizz, Tequila Sunrise, Salty Dog and Black Russian. Based on this information we can only assume on thing:

   

Clearly these macramé planters were all named after drinks.

Presumably the same drinks the artist got hammered on while envisioning the patterns.

This Has Christmas Gift Written All Over It.

   

Sometimes he’s happy, sometimes he’s blue.

Sometimes he’s smiling and playing with a curly-headed tot.

Sometimes he’s crying and hanging from a hook on a door.

It’s Multiple Personality Pajama Case Clown!™

Whichever way you turn him he’s useful.

Or frightening.

Really, the choice is yours!

Young. Thrifty. Completely Terrified.

Coin banks!  A charming gift idea for any youngster in your life, these little critters look cute while also reinforcing the positive habit of saving money.  Because saving money can be FUN!

Right?

WE THOUGHT SO!

Just check out this cheerful little guy below. If he doesn't inspire young Bobby to stash his nickels away we don't know what will!   

"Greetings.

I would be pleased to provide a cheerful method of coin storage IN EXCHANGE FOR YOUR IMMORTAL SOUL!!!

Oh, and will you please remove THIS FROCKING BEE from my ear already? Don't make me poke you with my tiny wooden rake."

Personally, I Liked It Better Than "Mulholland Drive."

This is a little-known fact but long before he shot such classic films as "Eraserhead" and "Lost Highway" David Lynch provided art direction for a book of baby knitwear designs. Though it was an early episode in his career, thumbing through the pages you can recognize many of the stylistic trademarks that have defined his highly original body of work.

Let's take a look, shall we?

This cover sets the overall tone and feel, dark and moody, with a surrealist shot of color.

The first appearance of Disembodied Plastic Baby Head, a figure represented throughout the booklet. There has been much speculation as to his symbolism, which we will discuss in further detail as we go along.

And now things are starting to get a little weird....

And in a jump-cut, the Disembodied Heads have switched position and the colors have changed. Many feel this is a statement on the power of sexuality but Lynch has never commented to confirm this.

And now a switch back to black and white, and the classic Disembodied Baby Head Trinity.

One of the work's most haunting images and certainly a favorite of mine, the Flying Plastic Boy With Romper. Evocative of human desolation but shown with a sense of warped beauty, Flying Plastic Boy represents different things for different people.

The Socks and Bottoms shot, Lynch has allegedly declined any symbolism in this image, stating that he merely thought it "looked neat." 

A return to color, Pink Girl With Stroller represents hope and beauty in a cold and industrialist society.

And jumping to another scene. The baby shown can be thought of as either crying or laughing, depending on the audience's perception.

A flashback sequence relating to the booklet's first image...

I still get a chill every time I turn the page to find this powerful shot.... 

And the final page. I really think this just speaks for itself, and apparently Lynch feels the same way, as he had never spoken publicly about the booklet's ending.

It just blows your mind, doesn't it?  If you think the images are something, try flipping through the booklet while listening to Radiohead's "Kid A."  Un-freaking-believable.

Any theories on Flying Plastic Boy or the Disembodied Head Trinity would be great, these two parts have been driving me crazy for years....

Mary & Kimberly Pimp Yo Ride.

Is that busted-ass minivan just too boring for you? 

Are your homies embarrassed to roll up to a shorty's crib in your draggin' pizzle of shizzle?

Then get things "off the hook" in a jiffy with this great new item from your peeps at Threadbared.com!  Mary and Kimberly can take your bucket and turn it into the sweet ride of your dreams!

Interested parties apply today, it's positively DA bomb!

* Disclaimer: "Mary & Kimberly Pimp Yo Ride" excludes Alaska, Hawaii and the other 48 states. No actual rides will be pimped.

If I Close My Eyes It Will Go Away. If I Close My Eyes It Will Go Away.

Remember those scenes in The Shining where the movie would go completely silent and a giant wave of blood would come cascading down into the elevator lobby?

Yeah. This is totally the crochet version of that.

Gracious, Child! Don’t Look Directly Into The Trunk.

Grandma, Grandma! Tell me a story!

Well...okay honey. Sit right down by your old grandma and I'll tell you a tale.

Now...let's see. Did I ever tell you about the Blizzard of '43?  It got so cold your Grandpa and I had to wear hats and mittens. Brrrrr! It all started when.....

What? Oh, you've heard that one before? Fifteen times already?  Okay then....how about a story from the Swinging Sixties?  Let's see....your mama was dating some boy who looked just like Jesus and your Grandpa and I were fit to be tied. Now, the two of them ran off to San Francisco where they.....eh? You've heard that one too?  Oh. Hang on dearie....Grandma's thinking.

I've got it!

Sweet girl, have I ever told you about the Early Eighties?  Oh child, it was a troubling time! The country was being run by a dang peanut farmer and everything was just going to hell in a handbasket. What's a handbasket?  Never mind that. Now! As I was saying, that Carter fellow was in the office and the disco dancing was on it's way out and our poor country was in a gloomy state! We needed some cheering up!  So, we turned to crochet.  That's right!  Crochet. We crocheted everything we could think of, all in the most garish colors we could find.  Oh yes....pillows, teddy bears, clowns, frogs, butterflies, fake crayons...nothing went untouched. 

What's that, honey?  Do I still have any of these things?  You want to see them?  Well, okay then precious, but don't say I didn't warn you. 

Grandma!  WOW!  You...made all of this?

Land sakes child, I made all of that crap and then some!  This here is a whole trunkful of ideas.

Grandma...I....I think my eyes are starting to hurt.

Hmm? Your poor old grandma is getting a bit of a headache just looking at all this, think I'll go rest for a spell.  What's that?  You don't feel so good either?  There's a burning sensation in your eyeballs? And your stomach feels queasy?  Mmm hmm.....that's what I was afraid of. Let's skedaddle out of here and I promise you'll never have to look at that old Crochet Trunk again.

Oh Grandma, you're THE BEST!

Mary & Kimberly Save Tiny Dog's Life

Because we love our Threadbared readers so very much, we decided to answer a little reader mail:

Dear Threadbared,

I am a HUGE Star Wars fan.  I've spent years growing out my hair so that I can get the trademark buns, I insist on calling my husband Han Solo in bed, and I've been injured on a number of occasions testing out my homemade light sabers.  I even named my son Anakin.  I only have one problem.  I bought this cute little dog with the intention of using it as an Ewok in our role playing games.  Wickett's a sweet dog, but he just doesn't quite look like an Ewok.  My husband says that I should get over it, but I can't help thinking that there must be something I can do to make Wickett look more like this:

I know that you have access to some incredible Star Wars patterns .  Please help me.  I'm so upset about this.  All the gold bikinis in the world can't make me feel better.  If he's not transformed into an Ewok soon, I'm afraid that I'll just stop feeding him.

May the force be with you,
Eager for Ewok in Edinborough

Dear Eager,

Have no fear.  Here at Threadbared we have the perfect pattern for every occasion and this is no exception.  We need only to turn to our crafty Japanese friends for the answer to your Ewok emergency:

Now eat up, Wickett, while you still can.

Peace and Patterns,

Mary & Kimberly
THREADBARED.COM

Heck Yes I Am

Mad about Macrame?  YES, now that you mention it.  I am mad about macrame.  In fact, I am downright T.O.ed.

Why, you may ask?  Oh, I'll tell you why.  They are darn good reasons too, not like the reasons people use to acquit child molesters.  These reasons are solid.

I'm mad about macrame because

1.  It's not fair when crafts so easy that your blind parrot can do them go out of style, but hard things like painting landscapes and writing novels are still considered cool.

2.  My mom claims not to know what happened to the macrame owl that used to hang in our den:

A thing of rare beauty, it reminds me of a time when my afternoons were filled with Three's Company reruns and grape pop ice.  And yes, I realize that this would have occured in the 80s...what can I say?  We were slow to redecorate.  It was Macon, GA.  Cut us some slack.

    3.  My "Macrame Belts by Kimberly" idea of 2001 failed to catch on in Atlanta (or anywhere else),  yet people still bought the ones from J Crew.

    4.  I didn't have one of these at my wedding:

    5.  When I go out on my deck I am forced to park my arse in something far less breathtaking than these masterpieces.

And finally, because

    6.  I want this so badly that it actually makes my brain hurt....and now that I have posted the link, you will all outbid me.

Early 70s Precursor To The Evil That Is Anne Geddes.

What happens when the Big Green Pepper finally meets a...um...Special Lady Friend?  And they lay down together for a nap and hug each other in a special way?

Are you sure you want to know?

POD CHILDREN! 

Oh, don't they look adorable?

And also, somewhat terrified?

Turn That Frown Upside Down!

Yeah. It's Tuesday and the holiday weekend is over. You're having a bit of a hard time adjusting. Maybe it's the fluorescent overhead lighting at work, maybe it's the shakes from Vodka Lemonade withdrawal. Maybe it's the fact that you didn't have internet access for the past four days or maybe it's just that Kimberly is on vacation for the entire week and the pressure to be funny all by yourself is starting to get to you.

I'm speaking hypothetically, of course.

Regardless, in these tough times don't we all need a little pick me-up? A cheerful reminder of brighter days?  Gentle Readers, I can only say one thing.

SEND IN THE CLOWNS!

This "Happy Face Clown" is actually a placemat. Hee! How clever is that? He also doubles as a learning tool for bad little boys and girls.

Aren't these little guys just darling?  So cute you barely even notice their webbed toes and fingers. Sweetie, don't stare. It's impolite.

It's a clown!

It's a chicken!

It's....it's...we don't know what the hell it is!

How whimsical is THAT?

Aw, your friend had a baby! Time to whip up a little Clown for the blessed victim. I mean, child. Blessed Child.

It's an item sure to please any mom who is visually impaired!

Perhaps you are on a diet and need help avoiding the cookie jar. Would you DARE to stick your poor defenseless paw in this cookie jar? We didn't think so...

Not so much with all the bright colors and cheery grins?  Depressed Primitive Clown Head On A Stick could be right for YOU!

Aw, your friend had a baby again! Don't they know there's something they can do to prevent that?

Oh well! Another baby, another clown!  Mom will love reaching into Nursery Time Clown's crotch to pull out necessities for her special little lamb!

WAIT A MINUTE! How did she get in here???

You know what happens to bad little clowns, don't you?  No?  You don't?

They become relegated to the top of toilet tanks, doomed to spend their final days concealing rolls of toilet tissue.

Breaks your heart in two, don't it?

"We just don't understand it. Timmy played with his new toss game for about three minutes and now he won't stop crying."

Oh for crissakes, that so-called friend of yours is pregnant AGAIN! What is she trying for, a world record?  Okay, clowns. Let's think. What can we make?

A complete Clown Nursery Set. HAH! That oughta keep her legs together for a couple of months.

And finally, do not leave ANYONE alone in a room with Clarence. You remember what happened last time.....

Sewing Another Costume, Your Mom Will Be. Even Though You’re Like Thirty Four Years Old.

So apparently there's this "Star Wars" movie that's out right now and it's all the rage. Where have I been?

I hear that this is some kind of national phenomenon, with people camping out for tickets and dressing up in costume to go watch the movie. Costumes, eh? I had to investigate.

I like to call this one “Waiting For Your Mom To Pick You Up Outside The Mall”

Or the ever popular "Call Me Big Daddy When You Back That Ass Up."

What's that? You're a chick? Are you sure you want to dress up like this? Okay, whatever. Here is your very own "Nondescript Female Costume." Kinda boring, huh? I would totally dress up as a Wookie if I were you.

And then finally there's the "Okay, Who Hid My Freakin' Light Saber AGAIN?  You Guys, It's Not Funny Anymore."

None of these costumes do it for you?  Perhaps you'd like to kick it old school with one of these fine patterns:

Um. I don't really remember Darth Vader being cross-eyed though. Or, actually, having eyes at all, now that I think about it.

Hmmmm.

A Threadbared Epic: "Barbie & Ken - Living In A Crocheted Paradise."

Ken thought it was just great that Barbie had taken up crochet. The den accessories that she gave him made the whole room seem so warm and cozy.

The lacy bedspread she crocheted was a little feminine for his taste but she seemed so proud of it he thought "What the heck!"

And then there was the boxing gym she made for him:

And the weight bench that came next.

The knitted workout outfit itched like hell but it certainly did a good job of absorbing sweat! 

She even did up a little aerobics studio for herself.  One thing Ken had always appreciated was Barbie's desire to keep herself in top shape.

She made a sexy party dress to wear out dancing one night. Rrrrrow! Ken couldn't believe how crafty Barbie had become!

He felt a little gay in the London Overcoat that she made that fall but didn't want to hurt her feelings so he indulged her by wearing it a few times.

He was about to snap though, the day she made him put it on and walk around that damn Tudor Village.

And then....well, things started to go downhill a bit.  Like the night of the big Halloween party when she showed up wearing this:

Or the matching outfits she made them for the Yesterdays Festival. God, he'd never felt like a bigger simp.

Then there was the long weekend that she holed up in the attic and refused to come out. She finally emerged wearing a new creation and Ken felt just a little bit scared by the wild look he noticed in Barbie's eyes.

Christmas Eve. That was an ugly scene that he tried to forget.

Spring finally came and Barbie got out in the garden to work. Ken was glad to see her concentrating on something other than the crochet. But he couldn't help thinking how incredibly unflattering her knitted overalls were.

That was when he realized something very unsettling. Barbie was crocheting everything now. Even the Belgium waffles at the breakfast table that morning had tasted a little...fuzzy.

He urged her to drop the crochet and get back to some of her old hobbies.

"Remember, how much you liked to drive around town in your pink Corvette?  Or riding up and down the elevator of your Dream House? Barbie, honey, you used to ride horses! And scuba dive! You were a veterinarian at one time! You ran for President! You used to be an ASTRONAUT for crissakes!"

She was quiet for a while after that. One day she came home and told Ken that she had taken his advice and gotten a new pet. A sweet little doggie. Did Ken want to go for a walk on the beach with her and doggie?

After that Ken started to hit the bottle a bit, he hung out in smokey bars and flirted with middle-aged divorcees with frosted hair.  That Midge had been after him for years and suddenly she wasn't looking too bad. Anything to get out of that crocheted hell.

Unfortunately for Ken, Barbie had other plans.

Boy, did she.

Good luck Ken! You're going to need it.

It's Never Too Early To Start Planning.

"Hey honey....um, there's something I wanted to talk to you about. Do you have a minute?"

"Sure, sweetie....sit down. What is it you want to discuss?"

"Well...you know that Christmas is just eight months away and I need to start making my preparations. And...I was thinking that this year....well...honey, why don't we Make It A Gingham Christmas?"

"Um. God...I don't know, sweetie. I guess we could...."

"Come on honey! Let's Make It A Gingham Christmas this year! It could be really fun..."

"Hmmm....I just don't know. Remember back in 2001 when you wanted to make it a Taffeta Christmas?  Things...didn't go so well."

"Oh honey...this is completely different! I can't believe you would even bring the Taffeta Christmas up...I thought we had agreed!"

"Well....shit. Okay sweetie, you're right...let's do it! What the hell! I mean, how bad could it be? Let's Make It A Gingham Christmas!"

Play Me Softly, Baby.

They both knew it would never work. She was a violin, he was an crocheted afghan. But on that one sunny afternoon in the park, the rest of the world seemed to fall away. She moved, he moved, the earth moved.

Sometimes The Crafts Themselves Are Just As Surprised As We Are.

“You’re shitting me! I’m going to be on the cover of Doll Crafter magazine!?!  Tell me you’re not shitting me!! You have got to be shitting me!”

A Perfect Companion For The Drug-Addled Child.

 

Maybe your child doesn’t care for hand puppets. May we suggest a nice Bucky Bunny Yarnable instead?

I’m a bit worried for poor Bucky. Note the glazed expression in his crocheted eyes…..the mouth hanging open...the slumping ears.....is this a drunk Yarnable?

“Awww…hey kid, whur ya going? Don be like dat!  I’m fine, jeesh fine! Lesh play a game together….I’ll totally shpank yuh ass at Quarters!  Naw? Howshabout Power Hour? Hey…HEY…where ya goin? I jush wanna be ya friend….jeeesh….”

Alternatively, Bucky Bunny could also be high…

“Wow man, you ever really think about what a carrot really is, man? I mean, really? There’s something…almost…. spiritual about it, when you really think about it. You know, Jimi Hendrix ate twenty carrots a day, man…no bullshit, I’m totally serious!!”

Animal Farm, Circa 1982.

Sometimes crochet can go sort of....wrong.

Sure, the little girl looks vaguely happy but did you take a look at the puppets' faces? Something isn't right here.